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I've been really struggling with hope. I have been for most of my life, but this is kind of new. Last night, it was like these random snippets of memories just kept flooding in and I tried to focus, tried to calm my thoughts. But they just kept going and it was so hard to fall asleep.
And then to boot, i had recently found a new song and it was one that really pulled my heartstrings. Hymn for the missing by Red. The song isn't new, it was just new to me. So this song keeps playing in the background of my head. While these memories keep coming back.
Sometimes it's bad enough that I just wanna scream but I can't. It's just the tears rolling off my cheeks and the pain. I just wish I could sleep forever.
Are you alone? Are you afraid? Are you searching for me?
The echoes of memories. "You're making her cry man." "You're just too sensitive, I can't do it anymore." And so many more that don't come to mind right this moment.
While the background music in my head keeps playing the last 30 seconds of the song in which a woman is vocalizing a sort of cry.
I just don't get it. I know I can't fix anything in the past but I just can't walk away from it. It's all thats left of me. Everything else has been destroyed.
I want to move forward, I want to build something new but I can't. I can't trust myself. I hate myself far too much and I know I'll just sit here.
I can't stop.
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https://youtu.be/iWEsrQx6A2U
ReplyIf you don't mind me asking, when did you start to feel this way?
ReplyWell I've always had severe issues. But the flood of memories was as recent as last night.
ReplyHmm. It sounds like to me that you may have had racing thoughts. From time to time I get in these states too where my mind keeps reeling over past mistakes and feeling clicking in and out a bit too fast. Sometimes when it's hard to sleep, maybe you can give some time to these memories and try to experience them for a limited amount of time, write your memories out, or even like you did listen to music to try and help. Suppressing thoughts may cause them to come back more pronounced than before, and in some cases like mine, will even show up in dreams.
I'm not entirely sure of your situation but I want you to know that you're not alone and that we're here for you. I hope you keep writing and feel better in these hard times. <3
ReplyIf you are who I think you perhaps are then please reach out. I want to help.
ReplyGotta ask, who do you think I am? My real name is Daniel, along the way.
Reply