Love in the time of Covid

We've been in an LDR long before this. I think to myself, I follow that train of thought - well okay, we'd've been long distance anyway. So we should be prepared for this, no? 15 months since our last time together and counting. 15. Isn't that such a crazy big number? We talked today and it reminded me of the little things I couldn't be there for. Company when feeling sick. Tea in the mornings. A little hand squeeze for reassurance. A lot of the physical begets the emotional, you know? They have a lot of support around them, people we both know and people who are great. People I know, if given the chance, could love him so well because they already care so much.

Is this what they will remember? All the times someone else was there to take care of them? Missed so much, so many wild stories, wild moments. And part of me can't wait to get to a place where we can share them. Learn about each other. Create our own.

But a part of me wonders, should I encourage them to pursue something more with someone else? Who knows when we'll be able to visit again. Is it right to tell someone what they should do? Are you allowed to dictate what they want? What can someone else give them that I can't? I'm not unsure of our relationship, of them. I am not giving up. It just hurts to think of all the things I have caused them to miss, even if they do not see it in the same way. Does this stem from insecurity? Am I unable to believe their choice, still? Does it hurt to know they find support from friends because a lot of the time, I wish I could be offering that support? Does this stem from insecurity? Am I worth all those lonely nights, missed hugs, celebrations, wild stories, holidays, even grocery trips. Am I worth all this wait? They say it's okay. Why can't I trust that? Why don't I believe it's okay? That really they are hurting but we both have to be strong in this? Am I projecting my own feelings? Why do I feel so guilty?

Why, why, what if, what if, what if....