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I wish I had the words to write a powerful song about my overall experience in this life. But there's just so much that I couldn't really fit everything together in a coherent manner, summarized all in just one song.
But of course, it doesn't really matter, does it? It's not like I'm very good at making music or singing. It's not like my message would need to be heard. Thousands of people have been where I have to some extent.
I never really was good at anything ever, anyway. There's so much evidence to back that up. Maybe it was because I never truly took the time to hone any kinds of skills or that I've never been naturally talented at anything beyond screwing things up.
I am constantly plagued by my thoughts, all the time. It never goes away and I'm hyper aware of it all. I'm hyper aware of my faults, my sins, my lacking. I'm also hyper aware of that hyper awareness and it's at a point that I don't know anything else.
Apparently, I'm supposed to just stop but I don't know how to. I don't know how to stop my thoughts or the concious part of me from digging at it in the first place.
They say you do this when your mind is trying to fix something inside you but it instead creates a super vicious cycle of constant self loathing and the more you hate yourself, the more you wish you could change. So you think and think and there's never an answer.
This type of thinking is destructive and it's been with me all my life. I've never known anything else. It's led to numerous self fulfilling prophecies, complete destruction of my life in every aspect and no matter how hard I try to be someone else, I'm still me.
I can't stop it. I don't know how to and the more I think about it, the more and more it gets harder to escape. Nothing is changing. It's all just there and it doesn't matter if I try to escape it, because eventually I'll have to come back. Whether that be a few days or a few years. It's always the same.
I've become so emotionally numb that everything just seems so pointless and feels so empty. I don't believe there's a way out of this. The only way out is death.
It's like living in quicksand. The harder I struggle, the harder it gets. But if I just allow it to be as it is, I'm still left slowly sinking.
Life isn't supposed to be this hard! It's not supposed to be like this at all.
I wish I had words to describe it in greater detail, but I don't. Nothing comes even remotely close.
I'm just stuck here and I can't accept it but I can't change it either. This is it for me, but there has to be something more. But if I try to find that something more, I'll just end up back here again anyway.
It's all so stupid. I'm so stupid for even thinking but I can't help it.
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