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Just me spilling everything I have down deep inside, so at least someone knows.
I met this girl online and we have been talking for a few months. I love her so much and we are dating but not really because I told her to wait and that I want to get to know her better. (she considers me her boyfriend) But actually I said that because I don't wanna hurt her too much.. I'm a sick child, always have been sick and weak. I get shots every few months and pop pills without a thought, etc. I watch my diet and try to stay as healthy as possible, etc. But it really isn't enough. Doctors have no idea what is wrong with me, my body is basically rejecting itself.. I'm only 15, this is the first actual 'love' relationship I've been in. And well I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I've been extremely sick my whole life, in and out of hospitals. Not allowed to do this or do that. But I barely followed rules, refused to take medicine and other things. I didn't want to believe that my fate was just to die. As a young child I had to grow up quickly and learn what death was. I didn't want to die and insisted that everyone around me was lying. I would fake taking medicine, etc. As I got older my actions became worse and so did my health. I kind of regret all those days, I did things I'm not proud of. I snuck out of school whenever I could (not that I even could go much) but why waste my time learning random stuff when I'm dying? I hung out with bad crowds and even though I was 13, I secretly slept with other older people (both male and female) for the experience. I did lots of things I regret. I sent a message to my 'girlfriend' 2 weeks ago (I think) and said my health is doing really poorly. She already knows that I'm a sick child and stuff so I assume she expected something like this to happen. I just also assume that she would think I would text her back. The thing is.. I'm still in the hospital and not getting any better. She once made a joke, said that my family could be lying to me and that I would never get better. But I think it's the truth. Always wanted to deny it. But somewhere deep down inside I know it's probably true. I'm really scared. I don't want to die. I want to be able to live a normal life, go to school, do things normal kids would. But I should be thankful I guess, there are younger kids who had less time than me. And now that I think and write about it, death is just death isn't it? Yeah, we don't know what happens after.. but it's part of life. Everyone dies, I should just be thankful I guess. If it's my time, then it's my time I guess. It hurts to write this, but at least I've stopped crying. Just one last thing before I go.
To ----:
I'm sorry I said I couldn't meet up with you, I really wanted to see you before I die at least once but I was stuck in a hospital bed and still am. I want to be able to hug you, to call you, to stop lying. I want call and face time you, I want to go out for bubble tea and other things. I want to buy you everything you want and spoil you rotten. I want to be there for you, I want to say thank you for giving me something I never had. I want to thank you for being here, for being you. Thank you. And if I somehow get better, I promise to be there for you. Maybe we could even get married? And adopt teenage kids like you wanted. We can travel everywhere and do all the things you talked about when you described our life together in the future. If I get better, I will be the best I can be and do whatever I can to make you happy. I really love you.
I know that the probability of me getting better is really low. And that if I do infact somehow survive this, I'll be forced to move to my home country for a restart because my mom wants that. My mom will most likely cut me off from the world as she has already started doing... She's deleting my social media accounts and everything... And if that does happen, I promise to find you again. Even if I have to spend the rest of my life doing so. I really really do love you. Sorry ----.
I'm really scared.
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This might give you comfort. My daughter told me all about her past life when she was little so you might be reincarnated and stay here for many decades in your next life. Also God will look after you so have faith in Him and don't be scared. Best wishes and God bless.
ReplyJust hold on. The strongest thing you can do rn is holding on. I pray that God grants you health and get you married to the girl you love. Everything's gonna be just fine! Just believe in God.
ReplyJust hold on. The strongest thing you can do rn is holding on. I pray that God grants you health and get you married to the girl you love. Everything's gonna be just fine! Just believe in God.
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