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It's all intertwined.
I can't let go of my boys and how badly I failed them.
I can't let go of my failures and everyone I've lost along the way
I can't let go of the road I've been on
I can't let go of the trauma that put me on that road in the first place.
I can't let go of how worthless I really am
I can't let go of how hopeless it all feels
I can't let go of this negative mindset because this is me.
I can't let go of anything and I can't move on.
I'm caught in an eternal cycle and I can't let go. Because i don't know what is left if i do.
Near as i can tell, nothing is left. No one is left. Everyone and everything is gone. It's just me, trapped inside my head.
This is why I want this to end so badly.
It's not enough that I lost so much. My mind has to through it in my face every single day. It's all over now, ain't it.
All of it. It's ALL over.
Nothing left to cling to, no more structure, no support. Just me locked inside my mind.
I can't be positive because I don't believe in anything anymore, especially not myself.
I need help but I'm convinced that no one ever could help me.
My thoughts are too strong. My memories are too powerful and like I've said a dozen times in this post alone, I can't let go. I don't know how to.
I can't let go of the fact that I've got 2 sons out there and I've never been a part of either of their lives. With my first, I was around for the first 3 years. I was a good father.
But when she decided to leave and fight for sole custody, I just crumbled up. I can't let go of that. Because after she left, I never got to see my son again.
My second son wasn't even anything to do with me. His mother just didn't want me around. So she ran off with him too. I'm not even on his birth certificate but I know he is mine. I did get to spend all of 9 hours with both of them the day after he was born and that was it. I begged her for 2 years to let me see him. She never once even tried.
It's all over now.
But it ties into all the failures in my life and I wasn't the best person in the world either. But I tried. Still failed though.
Then it's the partners I've lost and why I lost them that gets dragged into it. Hiw in my younger years I used to be controlling, mistrustful, jealous and angry.
Which ties into all the trauma I endured as a kid, which was why i was the way i was.
It's all over now.
All of it culminated into an empty void in my being and now it's like I've been awake for a couple years now but the rest of my life was like some fever dream but I was still aware. I still have my memories. But it's like someone else lived them for me.
I'm vastly different from who I used to be and yet, I'm still the same. Which makes absolutely no sense in my head because I just can't let go.
How am I supposed to let go of my children?! How am I supposed to let go of how I've failed them?! How am I supposed to let go of the handful of women I tried to give my heart to and how do I let go of the fact that all of them but 1 had seen me at my absolute worst?
How am I supposed to let that go??? I don't know how to let it go. It's part of me. My boys are part of me. The women I've loved are part of me.
I may have been super screwed up in the head when I was younger but I still did try my best to love them. But no one ever taught me how to love properly and I can't let that go!
It's all over now
I know how I've failed and how I've let those closest to me down and how worthless this entire experience has been. I can't let that go.
It's all over now
And it's never coming back.
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