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I’ve been a survivor all of my life.
I’ve survived a civil war.
I’ve survived child rape.
I’ve survived domestic abuse.
I’ve survived physical abuse by your family.
I’ve survived loneliness.
I’ve survived being cast aside by family members.
I’ve survived bullying.
I have become a stronger person.
Someone who will speak their minds.
I’ve become wiser and older at a young age.
I’ve experienced heart-ache and suicidal thoughts.
I’ve felt extremely alone.
I have cried myself to sleep many nights wishing someone far away would come and love me and accept me for who I am.
I’ll I wanted was to be loved.
I’ll wanted was to be understood and accepted.
All I wanted was to fit in.
I am now accused of being so serious.
I am now told I can’t have fun.
I am not carefree.
And I’m mean for not wanting to belong.
I am now isolated, by choice, and am extremely careful with who i let in my life.
Why can’t I be life of the party?
Well mother, I am sorry you do not understand me. Well family, I am sorry.
Sometimes though, I feel completely indifferent even to the ones I love- am I even capable of love??? Can I even connect with someone on a deeper level??? Do I really care?
Sometimes it scares me because I know at some deep level if my partner leaves me- I’ll be fine. I’ve always been fine. But can I really really love and have that connection with someone.
I don’t think I can.
Any thoughts?
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You sound like a very strong person who has gone through hell and back.
Loneliness can become the new norm after traumatic events, usually being alone with your own thoughts is enough.
But you do need people in your life to talk about these feelings, you shouldn't have to cope with this all by yourself. If you're lonely, you lack trust or feel indifferent you'll never be the "light of the party" and to be honest, I don't think this is something anyone should aspire to be.
You should, however, aspire to work on processing trauma fully before you can let go of this indifference. Once your disposition is more open, more trusting, more "happy" you will eventually attract good people naturally that you will care about. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do feel for you. The day will come where this will all be easier, and it's okay if that day is not tomorrow, next month or even this year.
<3
ReplyThank you for those words. And even though I’ve forgiven so much, you’re right a small part of me isn’t completely happy. I see the reminders of what caused my unhappiness and I still feel “small” ❤️ You’re absolutely right, I’ve been working on dealing with it and processing it- it’s taking me so long to be where I’m at emotionally but I’m not completely done.
ReplyYou can have that connection with someone. Love is the force around the world that gives us a purpose for living and trying to survive... for example, past this pandemic. Many of us, including me, have had our plans/jobs/education derailed by this pandemic; but I have faith that love is the purpose we'll get back up once this pandemic is over. This goes for all shades of love - love for your mom or dad, love for your brother or sister, love for your best friend, love for your pet...and yes of course love for the romance in your life.
Why do we have so much faith in love, something we cannot prove exists, something we cannot hold, sell or buy, something no scientist on earth will find in an autopsy next to the last meal we ate or the disease that ravaged us. Why do we have so much faith in love?
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
John 4:8 ESV
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
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