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So, I’m a hoarder. Virtually all my neighbours know it & they tell their children I’m crazy. For a while this caused their children to bully me, calling me names & throwing things at my home.
Because of this condition I keep myself to myself. This of course just makes me appear even weirder than they already think I am. They complain to the landlord about me at any given little operating. About things that when the other neighbours do they don’t say a word but when it comes to me they do.
I’m trying to over come this condition. But housework & organisation is like torture to me. It takes ages to hype myself up to do it & have to drink a lot of energy drinks just to last 3 hours or so before I burn out completely.
Once I burn out, psychology it takes a good few days, at least a week before I can start decluttering again. I’m trapped by my mind.
(Almost) Everything seems to have a purpose to me. Empty plastic food take away containers, cutlery & napkins. The little packets of salt & ketchup that sometimes comes with them, etc. Empty jars & containers that held other food items, plastic bottles that once had sodas in them.
Then there’s the cleaning. I don’t know which is harder? Deciding what to keep & what to throw away or having to clean!
My mother fell ill when I was a child, and that was the start of a very bad childhood. Because not only did my father decide to start molesting me, but I was also expected to take over the role of house work. I would be beaten for not doing it. I was a child & it was hard & a struggle but it was made very clear to me, in many ways that it was my fault the house was messy.
I had counselling but it didn’t really help. It was both free to get it out & off my chest but very triggering having to relive the abuse. It would put me in turmoil for days. I at least learned (was diagnosed) I suffer from ptsd, compulsive hoarding, anxiety & depression. I wouldn’t be surprised it there’s more things wrong with me to though. Because I can’t seem to make or keep friends. I become distant (could be the depression?) & I don’t trust anyone (probably suffer from paranoia?). I want to trust but I can’t cope with people seeing me differently or throwing things back in my face. I already feel bad about everything, I feel like everything in life is my fault. Because I don’t know how to make good decisions.
I have suicidal ideation everyday. I know I don’t want to die. I just want the pain & suffering to stop. Running away & starting all over again won’t even solve it because my problems travel with me. I’ve moved 3 times & the hoarding has travelled with me.
I wish I knew how to self harm by cutting to transfer the inner turmoil & pain into physical instead. But it doesn’t work for me. I tried to do it but it just didn’t work. Alcohol helps abit but sometimes makes my depression worse. I smoke on & off to relieve the stress & anxiety I feel. That also only offers very slight temporary relief & I actually hate it so very much, but I still keep trying it for relief from the mental torture I’m under.
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Start small. Every time you're done with something, i.e. a package of food or a wrapper or anything disposable, throw it away. Keep a small trash bin next to wherever you eat to remind you. You don't have to clean your house all in one go. As soon as you're used to this, it means things won't accumulate anymore. Now, you've got to somehow got to lessen the clutter if you've got it under control. Start to clean up small areas of your house. It can be one shelf on a bookshelf, or a coffee table with stuff on it. Or at least pick ONE thing you know you DON'T need, and either give it away or throw it out. There may be some local thrift shops in your area that reward you for giving them stuff, maybe look into that. Move up to cleaning out rooms of your house, once most of your shelves, chairs/tables, and floors have been cleaned. This will make it easier instead of cleaning out an entire room at once. If you follow this step by step, you should eventually get the clutter under control and eventually even get rid of it!
ReplyPut things into three piles. One for things you must keep, one for things you might throw away, and one for things you can actually throw away. Put the third pile outside because it is trash. Now look at the second pile which is the one which you might throw away. Put this into three piles as before and put the third pile outside with the trash. If the pile of the things that you must keep is quite big start over again until you have put most of your stuff outside. DON'T BRING ANY OF IT BACK INSIDE AGAIN!
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