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You hadn't experienced much anxiety last time we'd talked about it. You didn't really understand but you wanted to, you were trying, you were learning. But now you have. Most of me wishes you hadn't because my experience with anxiety is crippling and an absolute burden. A very small part of me feels like you'll be able to understand me a little better now. It's selfish to have such a thought but you really start to hunger for empathy when you've experienced solely pity for so long. You're still a ways off from understanding what I go through in it's entirety but you still want to understand. After years, after everything we've been through... We've been through s o much.
Our relationship has been interesting to say the least. Tumultuous but still satisfactory overall. We were friends in high school senior year even though we met freshman year. We had a strange fling, raunchy but fulfilling what was needed at the time. Then we hardly talked after I called it off. For a while that was it until you started to come around again. So we would talk every now and then. But then I just got into a really dark place and I wanted nothing to do with you. I moved away around that time. Every time you tried to reach me I ignored you until I ended up even more broken and alone and you happened to send me a text. I was alone and in emotional hell and I was tired of intentionally ignoring you I suppose. You were coming to visit my roommate and wanted to let me know you'd be there if I wanted to avoid you. An odd sentiment but with that I decided I didn't want to ignore you anymore. You were supposed to be there for merely a weekend with my roommate. You ended up staying with me for a week and a half. It all feels so strange to think about because part of me wasn't there. I had been experiencing some dissociative spells during that time and I cant quite remember everything that happened. I know that you would try to hug me and wanted to lay in my lap. I remember it feeling weird because I'd been by myself for so long and wasn't really feeling like any sort of physical contact was acceptable. But it felt nice when you hugged me. It was like you were trying to pull me out of the emotional hole I was in. You refuse to acknowledge how much you did for me in that time still. But you really helped me back to finding me again. We started talking everyday, we went on dates, I told you I loved you and you told me you loved me. Everything was sort of magical and beautiful. But then things happened in my life and I moved back home. We were closer together and yet you spent less time with me. You were hard to reach. I wouldn't hear from you for days on end. I felt alone again. You broke it off and it was agony for me. We didn't talk for a while after that. I don't even really remember how much time had passed. It''s all a blur, I didn't leave my room much. My dad would leave food outside my bedroom door. I didn't tell anyone what happened between us, I still haven't. After what feels like eons but obviously wasn't, we started sending each other sporadic messages. Sometimes we'd have an actual conversation. Eventually those became a little more common. We had another sort of fling for a little while, much more casual, much less physical. That ended when I started developing feelings for someone else.. your best friend. We'd all started gaming together and spending a lot of time together in voice chat. Eventually I asked him to be my boyfriend. You were happy for him and me. You'd told me that you knew he could give me the love and attention I deserved. He and I dated long distance for 5 months and when he finally came home he dumped me after 3 days. I was already going through a lot and that was the last piece that really sent me into a depressive spiral. I was back to being locked in my room. Alone. You'd message me asking if we could play our favorite game together. My pc wasn't operational but you'd check in about it every couple days or so, telling me you were looking forward to it being fixed so we could game together again. When it was finally fixed we started gaming together again. We game together everyday, laughing in voice chat and having a wonderful time. Covid is something we're both taking seriously but I invited you to come over anyway. I've been in my house for weeks so I'm definitely safe and you went somewhere busy the other day with your brother so you plan on self quarantining for 2 weeks. But it makes me really happy that you plan on coming over once you've done that. It makes me really happy that we spend time together talking and gaming everyday and its been s o long since we've been in the same room together. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you. You're my best friend and I'm really glad that after all this, after everything we've been though, you're still here. You're still trying to understand the things that are different about us. After everything we've been through, I'm glad we have this relationship, this friendship. After everything we've been through, we're both still learning about each other and honestly nothing makes me happier than growing with my friends by my side.
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