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I'm slowly losing my mind. The once perfect exterior of my life is cracking like an egg dropped by the hands of a child. I have always prided myself on being perfect. I was raised to be flawless. Anything less would be unacceptable to my standards and to the standards of others around me. But now, as the clock ticks on, I'm losing this battle. I've changed. I no longer feel the happiness I convey on the outside. The smile I wear to school is a mask I slip into every morning. The silence I've created around me is deafening. My once colorful life is fading. The colors around me are vague, such as the colors on a rainy day. It constantly sounds like I'm drowning under rushing water. But, no one knows, and no one suspects anything. I mean, why would the straight-A student, 1st chair flutist, and student council representative not be okay? The silence others have noticed just believe it's from growing up. I'm in the moody teen phase, right? I'm told this is only a phase. But how can it be when I've been drowning for years? Please, just because I'm silent does not mean I'm okay. I am constantly fighting my own mind for my life. Whatever survival instincts I'm supposed to have are gone. Why can't someone notice my silence?
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Silence isn't working, so don't be silent?...
I guess you could think of yourself currently as deep under water, drowning. You're screaming in pain but all the lake over-lookers see is a calm surface. The surface is actually eerily still and silent, but people aren't so observant. Say you finally decide to to cut out this silence, and convince yourself to penetrate that surface... hold the hands of support that'll extend to you. The warmth of the human is comforting initially, but eventually you realise they won't pull you out. That warmth won't dry you. So you'll swim towards different people. No use. You need to find another way.
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Don't misunderstand me. If you speak up, as implied, there are many who will care. Generally, humans are empathetic creatures. They will offer their personal experiences and quotes of encouragement and understandings of life, but it'll only scratch the surface. Real personal transformation cannot be as a result of others.
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I say this because in this post I was reminded of my previous self ( look at me, offering my personal experience), and I promise you I changed. It is possible. These words may only hit you when you get better, because now they're just cliche on your Novni comment section. It's funny, because these cliche quotes are can be very true. However, many times, their trueness only hits you when you don't feel the way you do anymore. It kind of defeats the purpose in that sense.
( Sorry for the weird Cliche spelling lol, don't have accent's on my keyboard).
By the way, I obviously took assumptions since I do not really know your problems, but I wrote just in case. I hope you felt some... warmth. :)
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