Just venting to the void

I've spent my whole life as an optimist, except once in a while I get anxiety. Hey, I'm only human after all. Oh right speaking of being a human being with emotions, I also grew insanely depressed twice (ages 15 and turning 21) both times I brushed death or however you say that. 15 i tried suicide but something told me don't do it so I didn't go through with it. Turning 21 i got too high and i think overdosed because i already thought my life was going downhill (kinda like a quarterlife crisis) so I felt crappy and scared again /: well that time I had such anxiety from the high that I maybe got a heart attack?

I fought hard, felt hypnotized. Felt things sexually uncomforting to where I couldn't control the situation. I began thinking I don't wana die, there's so much I haven't done yet and then I saw a light and gave in. I said clear as day like it was a dream "I'm okay with this" and felt a grin on my face then came back to reality. So here I am still, confused. First time I wanted to die but something wouldn't let me. Second time something tried to take me and I DIDN'T want to die lol sheesh.. I swear i have a point: about a year later and quarantine happens. Now I have anxiety so bad sometimes, that it tries to take me back to the trauma of that OD experience I had.

Sometimes my heart beats fast. Sometimes I'm nauseous. Sometimes I feel vertigo; it feels like I'm on a boat and my surroundings kind of sway. Sometimes I don't feel real again. I've dissociated in the past but never this bad. Again it takes me back to the bad high ): No matter what happens, I'm always still here, existing, trying. So I guess it at least counts for something right? I've grown spiritual as well, even though my greatest fear is the hypnosis (not feeling in control of my own mind) and death again. I can't afford therapy, nor do my family and friends know how to help. So I'm just letting it out here to feel a bit more real and less like a zombie right now. Thank you strangers of the void, for listening 😅😊