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I've been trying to get myself out of this rut for a couple days now. As I've said before, I have to work on the desire to change before I can attempt to change.
It's still a catch 22 in my head. I know I can't change the past or the things I've regretted, failed at and the wrongs I've done. But getting outside of my head us laughably impossible, I'm literally carrying it around. How am I supposed to get out of it?
I've never understood that reference, really. Exactly how is one to "get out of their head"? It's not possible on any level. Outside of decapitation. Technically speaking, even then.
It's a ton of pain and anguish and a whole assortment of other emotions that I just cannot escape. I try, but nothing works. It doesn't matter if I accept them and let them be, because they are neverending. It doesn't matter if I try to occupy myself or run from them, they're always there when I inevitably coke back down to reality.
It's always the same.
All I know is I've got 5 bottles of pills on my desk and the desire to down them keeps coming back.
2 of them only have 5 or so left, but the others haven't been touched for the most part.
5 different medications for depression. I've done a bit of research and 2 of them could cause me to pass out and even stop breathing. That doesn't sound so bad, so long as I'm unconscious when it occurs.
But at the same time, I know better than that. I've tried overdosing on pills several times before. It never works.
Granted my body is much older now and wouldn't be as capable as it was in my younger years. So maybe? But what if that divine being is still around, keeping me alive?
It gets dark inside my head.
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If you're seriously considering suicide, please seek professional help. It's never the best option and leaves a whole world of pain for the people you leave behind. And I don't know what went on with you,why you feel the way you do,but it can be better. Darkness only lasts for a while and then the light comes. You just have to find the light. And that divine being that is keeping you alive? Talk to him. When I'm down, talking to God helps. A lot.
ReplyExchange every negative thought for a positive one and write a list of the positive thoughts as you go, then when you have a fairly long list of positives dwell on them instead. When I wake up from sleeping negative thoughts come into my head and I don't like them so I push them away.
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