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That's it.
I think I'm done.
Last night, I was hanging out with my "friends". The first thing they bring up when I arrive is all the things I have done wrong. An itemized list of 30 years of disagreements; sweet Jesus. Yes, Hamilton reference. I use humor as a coping mechanism most of the time, so don't mind if I sprinkle in references. Anyways, most of these issues were because I was trying to make everyone happy.
I'm trying to make one person happy and feel not left out? I've pissed off two others. It's another one of my friends, that happens to be another friend's sibling. He thinks I'm just using him to talk to her. No, I'm not! I don't want anyone to feel left out. I know what it feels like, so I'm just trying to make everyone happy and pleased. But, clearly, you can't do that. Another issue one of my friends, my best friend of a year now, brought up me teasing her once. I mean, I can't really blame her if she didn't catch that it was a joke, because I'll admit, my jokes can come off as a little mean sometimes. It wasn't insulting at all to her though. Basically, she was telling me her anime/childhood crushes and I said "haha I've only ever had one you can't tease me >:)". I can see how that would be a little bit offensive.
It makes me feel like I'm being a toxic friend. Then, the whole time they were talking, I wasn't included. I mean, makes sense, I'm a bad person, or so I think. It makes me feel like I'm being a toxic friend, but it would help if they brought it up right when the issue happens to prevent it from happening again. Last night, I felt like they didn't even want me there. They just felt obligated to include me. They did reach out first, but I feel it was just to bring up all the issues. Oh well, I'll see what happens tonight. Whatever self-esteem I had was completely destroyed, so I know I'm not reaching out first, for the sake of my own mental health.
Oooh, also, I REALLY wanted to watch my favorite anime with them. Like, really really really. I expressed over and over again how excited I was for it. We had it planned it for three days. And, for those three excruciating days, I waited. Then, when the night finally came, I was ecstatic. I asked once, and they agreed, but since they were busy with something else at the moment, they said afterwards. After that? Dinnertime. After that, they were doing something else, so I asked again, and they just said "ehhh..."
That's not even the worst part. I know this sounds selfish, but then, another friend suggested another show, and everyone was like "yeah!" This is so selfish, but humans are selfish. There's nothing I can do about it. I was really excited to watch my favorite anime, but yet again, I'm just left in the dust. We'll see what happens tonight. I really do hope things get better. But, as I said, people are stressful. We'll have to see.
Thank you if you took the time to read this.
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I hope it gets better doll. Don't let em see you sweat.💜
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