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Stuff I really need to do:
Gotta get the place cleaned up, even if it's one room at a time.
I've been doing ok-ish on trash. Only a few stray boxes here and there.
Gotta get therapy going yet again. That will be the 3rd time this year.
Gotta learn to walk again, going outside and walking that is.
Gotta try to find my style. Hair, clothes and shoes.
Gotta eventually kick smoking. I've done pretty well at cutting down. Started at a bit over a pack a day. Now I'm down to 6 or 7. Bad days can still get up to 10.
Gotta figure out where I wanna start volunteering. I know it'll be some place close.
I know I should be studying trade market stuff, but ove never been a gambler and I don't know, something just doesn't sit right with me about it. Even though I know I could do well, I'm pretty dang good with numbers and predictions.
I had thought about getting into welding in the near future but I'm now uncertain of it, because I really don't want to end up burning myself or someone else and knowing my luck in this life, that's exactly what would happen. That's just being realistic.
It's a whole lot of problems in my head and I know I'm not achieving anything by just sitting here. I'm so frightened by the prospect of failure that I just don't even try and that has to stop.
Half way through life and I really need to start doing things according to what is socially acceptable.
I have got to start keeping my word. I have got to stop giving up when things go wrong. I have got to learn to draw some proper boundaries. I have got to start taking care of myself.
It can't be a question of if I will anymore. It can't be a question anymore, it just has to be done.
I know I like outdoors type stuff, camping, fishing, hiking, campfires, all that good stuff and I do like photography. I try to play guitar but I just can't get beyond mediocrity, maybe electric piano.
I know the main goal is the same, find that special woman who will stay with me to my dying day. But I also know that I have to have something to offer in return beyond just love and affection.
We all know that a relationship requires more than that, even though in an idealistic world that's all it would require. But we're talking about real life here.
A woman wants stability, a comfortable thriving life and no real worries beyond her own. That's just the way it is and there's no denying that.
Granted, it also puts me in a position to make boundaries too. Like a boundary against withholding affection, lying or keeping harmful secrets.
So it's not just the woman making demands, it's also me saying that I will not allow certain characteristics into my life ever again.
Mostly derived from garbage I've already endured before. So there's a whole lot that I have to fix and that has to start. Every day I put it off is another day longer that it takes.
Even as much as i don't know if I can do this, i have to if i want anything significant in my life. Being happy for myself is fine, but i don't want that to be the entirety of the rest of my life. I'd like to have a meaningful connection with someone I love and who loves me. I don't believe that is very much to ask.
But I have got to learn to enjoy life before i can ask someone else to spend their life with me. That much, I understand.
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Good job. :)
ReplyWho
ReplyWho cares? It's a good start for someone.
ReplyALL THE BEST!!! <3<3<3
ReplyNothing ventured nothing gained.
ReplyWhy were all these posts flagged? There's literally nothing wrong with them
ReplyYour title made me think this was going to be a completely different sort of post than it turned out to be:) lol.
Your list seems an awful lot like the ones I have made over the years. It's sad when I come across one now and find that 10 years ago I made a list and have only accomplished one thing on it.
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I know from experience that it only weighs you down. Find a way to lighten your load, if you can, eliminate somethings from your list. It doesn't mean that you won't get to it eventually but just don't worry about it right now. See if there is anyway to combine tasks. Something like, volunteering at a kids camp, taking them on hikes and teaching them how to play guitar.
I agree, the whole love thing should wait until you can find your own happiness. I have someone who loves me, has stood by and will always be there for me but I am still not happy because I haven't found a way to love myself yet. I am now on the verge of ending a 20 year marriage so that I can be alone and learn to love myself and be happy. Pretty much everyone thinks I'm crazy for it.
A tip about quitting smoking, be stubborn. Keep one cigarette when you quit, it takes a bit of the edge off the anxiety just knowing that it is there if you really want it. Hold it, smell it, put it in your mouth and suck on it if you need to, just don't light it. After a few days, move it further away from you. I put mine on a shelf I walked by all the time. After a week or two pack it away somewhere out of sight. In a few months you might find you want to just throw it away.
I hope you find your happiness:)
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