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Sorry for my bad English. I was so happy until 13. And I was naive. People would bully me because I was too tall for a girl, because I had acne, because i was getting good grades and their family would compare their children with me. People would force me to do their homeworks, they would use my belonging without my permission. They would steal my pens and even my books so that I can't study. They would always laugh at me and cuss at me. But I was always so kind to everyone. I never and couldn't say a single thing. My dad would never let me go outside alone or with friends. I loved my half brother and half sister. But one day they left because something happened between them and my father. My father never told me what happened. But it was probably because of me. Because they never loved me, for them me and my mother "stole" their father. At the age of 13, i started to think. I said to myself "why am I the only one in the class who gets made fun of?, why do i look like a man?, why can't i protect myself?, why even a 6 year old kid laugh at me and make me cry?, where is my brother and sister?, why no one wants to become friends with me?, why no one loves me?" and I started to get sad. Before this age, no matter how much people do bad things to me, i would still be happy 10 minutes later. Now I can't focus on my grades. My family would get mad and disappointed when I scored 90 at an exam. Now I can't even pass 50. I became the worst student of the school. I don't have any friends. I hate everyone and i don't wanna talk with anybody. I lock myself to my room all day long. In my room, there is no one that can judge me. I never go out except for school. I got extremely lazy. And I cry, everyday. I am so angry and I can't control it. I cut my arms as well. When I was a kid, my neighbour raped me. My mom thought I was lying and didn't sue the guy. Years later, another neighbour's daughter accused my father of kissing her and now there's a possibility my dad will go to jail. I don't know what am I gonna do without him. Because him and my mom is everyone I have. That girl's family tried to beat my dad. We had to change our house. I even lost my faith in God now. I live in middle East and everything about my country sickens me. I need to be smart and get a good job to leave this country. But I'm an idiot so that's impossible. One day I met a wonderful Finnish guy from an app. We became friends. He was so cool, kind and handsome. I fell in love with him. But I lied about who I was and where I was from. We dated for a long time. I was daydreaming about him all day. Because he was the first and only person who loved me. But one day he found out I was a catfish and he left me. Now I miss him. I miss him too badly. I got used to talking with him everyday and now I feel too alone. I don't know what to do. I want to visit a psychologist but my family says "you're okay, there's nothing wrong with you, you're making this to yourself." And I can’t go out without them so I can't go to a psychologist. I'm thinking of killing myself. Because it seems like every new day is worse than the last day.
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I don't know how to help because this situation is so bad. Sorry, if I were going to the same school as you I would stand up for you but I can't because pandemic and I don't know which school. One thing I can say is, live. They will die eventually. And so will you. And for the pain you suffered, comes some good.
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