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Life is busy but the other day it suddenly stopped and I realized that I haven't felt anything until you showed up in my dreams. They say time is supposed to heal all wounds but 12 years later and 7 years of marriage has been a bandage too small to cover the wound that just re-opened. But I'm glad the wound re-opened because for once in over a decade I feel alive. I feel again, and I realize that I've been numb for practically all of my adult life. I'm strong. My exterior and interior are rugged and impenetrable as I will physically endure anything to accomplish something and inside is one tough SOB that remains unfazed by all things while being the shoulder others lean on during their tough moments. But you came to me subconsciously and I haven't been right since. It's been hard to think and move without envisioning your pretty smile. I always knew that my heart wasn't completely in my marriage but the thought of you has almost made it fully withdrawn. I'm love with someone I haven't seen or talked to in over 12 years?
How can this be? Why hasn't time, the busyness of life and my loving wife made me forget about you? My job is stressful, my work is stressful, and figuring out how to navigate the limited amount of time I have left on this planet should all be stressful enough for me to forget about you, right? Reduce your memory as a passing but pleasant thought as somebody that I used to know but unfortunately for me it hasn't. I would tell myself to move and just enjoy life seeing that you're happily married, with a good job and a decent life - make the most of it especially considering that she is married and has a family of her own. My feelings for you defy my own logic. They have broken my internal code and I have tried hard to rewire it but I can't.
So what do I do? Do I just continue living my life and hope that I forget about you? Or do I hope that our paths will cross once again? But if it's even for a moment, what should I do? Should I just say hi along with a bit of small talk to catch up and then we move on with the rest of our lives? I know your husband would not entertain a reunited friendship due to his jealousy for me. Or should I just tell you how I feel and that I messed up 15 years ago when we first met? It's this type of thinking that kills me. I could live the rest of my life and never get that moment so should I start a quick on social media just to see how you're doing? Or maybe I could use our mutual friends as a backchannel to convey my feelings for you? But how would that come across? A married man going after a married woman with kids? Why would I think that I could take you away from him now and leave your kids in a broken home? Too many questions I have that will probably never be answered. I know they say I should be happy if you're happy with someone else but I'm not.
You and I were supposed to be together as you said it yourself. Even though we never kissed and we were never together, unprovoked you told me that you love me and I told you that I love you too. Why was I such a fool and why didn't I secure our love? You were the boomerang that didn't come back but I played the part of being too cool to pursue us so you moved on. It would warm my heart just to know if you still feel the same way. I imagine that your life has probably made me an afterthought but I wonder if I'm still there lingering in your subconscious. In my dream, we left our lives to be with each other, a reality that I probably wouldn't allow no matter how bad I want you but I still want you.
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