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To My Best Friend,
This is weird, right? Writing an actual letter, instead of a text or a DM. I guess I wanted the solace and closure in knowing I physically wrote you something instead of a cryptic text message that could easily disappear and be lost in the masses. Wow...that was a bit melodramatic, even for me! There I go again, deflecting and making self-deprecating jokes, just to push off the inevitable.
When we met, I was just so happy to have a real group of friends, I looked at you just like the others. The four of us were unstoppable together. All the fun we had, all the late nights, the drunken board games, the ren fairs and hoedowns, the cuddle puddles...Even when I started dating again, and then reconnecting with an old flame (who I'm now married to, as you know), I could feel something changing. I felt different when I was with you.
I started getting butterflies when you invited me to go garage sale hunting with you on lazy summer Saturdays. I would catch myself watching you from a distance, admiring the contrast of your blue eyes and dark brown hair. I laughed harder at your jokes, and texted you almost twice as often as before. Then I made the biggest regret of my life. I moved away. We talked less, I could almost never see you (obviously), and the longer I was gone the more I realized I missed you more than all our other friends. I would count down the days of the months when I could come up to spend a few days, and it wasn't because of a nice hotel or to be back home. It was because I was so excited to be able to hug you again.
All our late night banter and cuddles, all the times we try to out-nerd each other between guns and music, all the times I'd walk by and you'd gently squeeze my shoulder, all the times you were there for me before anyone else...I realized something. It took a long time to develop, and even longer for me to actually admit it to myself. When I realized why I've told you more about me than anyone else. I realized the reason I get butterflies just thinking about you. I realized the reason I feel so trapped in an otherwise loving marriage.
I realized I wanted to see you succeed and be happy, more than "just a friend" would feel. When you passed your nursing exam, I nearly cried because I was so happy for you. When you tell me all about the places you want to travel to in the world, I envision us going to each and every one together. When it was 4am and we couldn't sleep, and you told me the secrets that no one else knows about you, and all I wanted to do was melt right there into your chest. You are my safe space, my best friend, my sounding board, and I try my absolute hardest to be that for you.
I realized that I love you. More than that, that I'm IN love with you. And I shouldn't be.
Obviously that makes me the scum of the Earth, being married and a mother and all. And believe me, I've tried so damn hard not to be. I've tried waiting longer and longer to message you back, only to give in hours later. I've tried not seeing you in person, but after just a few weeks I can't stand it anymore. I've tried reminding myself that you don't want any kids at all, and even if by some miracle you wanted me to choose you, you wouldn't want to raise someone else's kid (which is totally fine).
But that's just the thing. I want you to want me. I want you to be just as in love with me as I am with you. I want you to ask me to choose you. I want you so badly. I know what that makes me, and the criticism is totally fair. Anything you're thinking or saying about me right now is no worse than anything I've already told myself.
So there it is, laid out in all it's ugly wrongness. I am so, so in love with you. And I really, really shouldn't be. It goes against everything I know to be right and good. But it's there, nonetheless. You deserve to know, and I hope that I deserve to get it off of my chest. I love you, and I think I always have. You can take this letter and throw it away, toss it into a campfire, rip it apart, or drop it on the ground in your rush to get over here to kiss me like the world was ending. I've officially given you everything of me I have to give.
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