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And here’s the real question. People complain they’re unlucky. They never get to see their crush. They never get classes with crush. Time seems to operate so that you never cross paths. And sure, that can be painful. The wonder of “what if” and the unreachable dream can eat someone out. The uncertainty of whether that person is hitting it off with someone else without you even knowing. These people are suffering from an uncertainty. But no matter how much uncertainty is taunting you, there is hope. Because you do not know for certain, and your worst suspicions are only a fraction of a possibilities that could happen. And there’s a believable chance that something could work out in your favor.
But what about the people who are extremely “lucky”. Their crush is in all their classes. Coincidences happen so that they always seem to be in the same room as you. It’s probable that they may even get alone time with you. This seems like the dream. You have a seemingly unending amount of attempts to improve your relationship with them. Except, this only works in one case. When there is hope. There is another very real outcome of this, and that is that your crush is not in the slightest interested in you. Chance favors you, supposedly, and you see your crush so often that you’ve gathered enough data points to make a conclusion. There is more certainty than in the first case. And so it’s very possible that you can become certain that your crush does not like you. At all. And this does not seem so bad at first. You’ve received closure. There is no more wondering. This will set up nicely for a recovery, to move on. But it’s not so simple. You see your crush everyday. Your brain is wired to get excited when you see them. The first thing you think of is do you look okay. You see your crush laugh and get along fine without you, while you’re writhing in your own jealousy and heartbreak. You see your crush talk to other people, see them laugh with other people. Every moment with them is a failure, a regret. You should have said something witty-er, you should have been more natural, you should have told them how you feel. Everything you do seems wired to catch the attention of your crush so that your name might cross their mind for even 2 seconds. So that somehow one day they might think of you as you think of them now. But all of your efforts are futile and you know in the back of your mind it will never work out. But you’re obsessed with psychoanalyzing every interaction your crush has had with other people, especially girls. And you can’t stop because you see them everyday, and every occasion of eye contact makes you want to swoon all over again. And the excitement of the moment makes you abandon all rational thinking, and you wonder about hope again. If the impossible could come true. And that’s how your life is taken away by yourself. That’s how you commit suicide without ever approaching a weapon or every touching yourself. That’s how you lose valuable years of your youth. And you’ve come to see yourself as pathetic, pouring all of this effort and thought into a payoff that will never come. It’s all a laughable matter, one person suffering immense stress and heartbreak while the other gets along fine. The other doesn’t even notice.
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Man. You wrote so much! I used to feel the same, I dunno. I still feel the same. You'll never make everyone in the world like what you do, so why don't you just live so that you love what you do? You seem to overthink. Mix two completely different flavors of ice cream together, laugh so hard in public that chocolate milk comes out your nose, get a tattoo of toilet paper on your arm, dye your hair neon pink just for the heck of it. Do what you want to do. Make life easy for you.
ReplyNicely put , well done- don't underestimate the effort you put in - it rarely goes unnoticed. I get your point on over analyzing the interactions with a girl you like but don't do that as interactions are often meaningless (humans are selfish enough not to care nor to appreciate their behaviours and how these behaviours can hurt you)
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