My Feelings (9/18/2020)

Today I sat in the bathtub at my house for an hour with a toaster plugged in right next to me, telling myself "today will be the day I die". Earlier than that, I took a walk to the downtown area of where I live, which is about two and a half miles away, just to try and see if I could feel something. I just don't know what I want with my life anymore. I feel so helpless and empty, like there's this crushing weight that I have to carry around with me at all times. But then I just can't do anything about it. I can't change, I can't die, I just can't do anything. I just feel so worthless, and dumb, and cowardly, and I just want it all to stop. I just want everything to go away. I can't tell my friends or family about any of this because they'll just say the generic stuff like "we love you" or "you are wanted" and I don't want to hear any of that crap. School makes me want to just bury my head in the dirt and never come out. I just want it all to stop. But it won't. No matter how much I pray to God that my heart would just stop functioning while I'm sleeping, it won't happen. And I can't kill myself, because I'm too much of a coward. Doing the things I used to enjoy doesn't help, and trying to find new things I enjoy doesn't help either. I just feel completely paralyzed, like nothing will ever help me. I feel selfish for writing this, especially because I know no one will really care. But this is truly my last straw.