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I always wanted to die. Which is a very interesting way to start a story but I always thought I never have a future, never had, never will. I used to try to crack-open my skull by bashing it on a cemented wall but fortunately, my head got out of it safe.
When I was in elementary, I got into a sorority that I didn't realize was a sorority. A friend taught me the art of cutting my wrists. I never thought about it as "bad" or "a depressing thing" or something I should stay away from; because it felt good. To inflict pain when I did something--- because I thought I should repent for my sins. Like not doing my homework or getting an 85 (WHICH IS A FAIRLY AVERAGE GRADE, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT).
It was pain. As you know, physical and mental pain. I proud to say that I'm holding on and I'm few months clean from self-harm. Sure, mental torture here and there, but pretty clean physically.
It's never too late to stop harming yourself, which is one thing I wish I knew.
It's not a healthy relationship when people tell you how to "correctly harm yourself." Once they try to harm you even a little, it's not real friendship. Manipulation is not a good thing either. When they start acting weird, don't ever hesitate to distance yourself. It's not bad to stay away from people that take a toll on your mental state, physical, or anything related to you!
It's not bad to take care of yourself. It's not selfish to stop hanging out with people every once in a while; being alone has its perks sometimes. But remember, there are good people in the world. But even the good people have their bad times.
Thinking about stuff is great sometimes, especially when you are alone. One thing I learned that helped me is talking to myself loudly, usually not in my native language because it feels more free in a way that the words slip your tongue differently. I think more creatively and speak a language more fluently which is a great plus factor. If talking is not your forte, try writing.
I love to type thoughts into a document and deleting them when they hurt too much, or keeping them when I know I will learn something out of it in the future.
Just voicing out your thoughts is a great strategy. It worked for me a lot of times. I hope it also works for someone. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate every piece of advice I may get from this entry. I'm stronger now and I accept criticisms as fairly as I could.
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Wise advice from a wise soul, I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors and challenges in life.
-C
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