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I only knew you for about 17 years. And right now, I’m only 18. I have spent most of my life with you or at least you were there for me during all those years. It’s been about a little over a year and a half and it was very hard, but now it sort of feels easier? I say that as a question cause I don’t know how to really feel about it. I don’t know if it should be easier if I am being perfectly honest. I worry that because it is easier to deal with maybe it’ll be easier to forget you. And I don’t necessarily want to forget you because I felt as if I needed you and in some respects I still think I do. I needed to show you what I could do or what I could become. I wanted to continue asking for guidance and advice. I wanted to continue arguing with you and I want to fight with you on certain things. I always will want that I feel, and sometimes I think the more I think about it the more it hurts. I don’t want it to hurt either, so maybe it is leading me to write this. I was thinking about writing poetry but my mind is too disheveled and dumb to really put together a poem that expresses how I feel. I feel that maybe this is how I think. I feel as if my brain is just a continuous stream of simple statements that maybe have no fluidity with it but at least have a pattern of my consciousness. While writing I also think about a bunch of different other things, like “this is stupid cause someone out there probably has done this same exact thing in this same situation.” And “ gosh what am I even really writing this for so late at night where I could be doing other things like sleeping or taking notes.” But regardless, even if I were to do other things my mind would just ponder, I would think about myself, or my ex, or my friends, or classes, or my cousins, or my aunts, or my uncles, or my brother, or my dad, or you. I really do miss you. If you were still around I would have probably be in less pain. You always use to say “You’ll miss me when I’m gone.” I wonder if you felt that you’d be gone soon. You were very religious so maybe you realized something I didn’t. I don’t know. I hate you for that but I also think its funny, how maybe you said it without even realizing how true that statement would become. I hated you for a lot but I realized that even though that may be true. I loved you way more. You were a light, a light that sometimes I always wonder if I can ever become. I don’t meet many people who strike me to do be a light. And maybe I’m just being subjective because you were who you are to me. I miss you, I always will, I will always try and remember you. I will do stuff and hopefully from wherever you are you may see it. Or if the universe is truly just dark and empty after death. At the very least I will remember you and your legacy and what you meant to me. I love you mom.
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