Treasure of Sadness buried deep in my Heart

Hello Everyone reading this

Today , I want to share something with everyone because I am not able to keep it in my mind anymore. I was born in a financially weak family. When I was born my dad was disappointed because I was a Girl. He wanted a Boy. How I know this ? My own mother told me this to make me realize my worth. But , I get all the necessary things in my life . They never curb these things . Now , coming to the main point . My mother wants be to be a statue of Perfection. Right from my childhood she has literally tortured me in the name of making me a good Girl . But I always ask myself : Was that something I deserved . So , when I was a child ( Kidnergarten) my mother used to beat me up very badly . I mean whatever she got in her hand she used to beat me with that . Be it broom , comb , stick , hot pilers ( used in cooking ) , shoes , sandals , slippers and many more . She used to make me study (kidnergarten) whole day . I was merely 4-5 years . I used to live in a joint family at that time . She never used to care about others she used to yell at me and beat me in front of all the people . Don't forget my age . Sometimes she used to get so aggressive that my family members used to run to her from beating me. If cannot memorize anything she used to beat me . She used to beat me in balcony so that I feel ashamed and never repeat my mistakes. One day , I was able to learn numbers after 21 so out of anger she kept a knife on gas stove to heat it up . And then she kept it on my hand as my punishment. I cried so much all the family members criticised her for this but she gave a lame excuse: this will make my daughter better than others . I had a 4 inch burning mark on my hand . I still remember it was purple in colour and my burned flesh was seen clearly . But somehow by applying oinment it went away . But my question is was it really necessary to go this far when I was hardly 4-5 years old . She used to beat me with belt . And not used to give me food unless I had finished learning or studying . My father used to scold her sometimes but no avail . Then I grew up somehow with all this pain . And my joint family became a nuclear one . To support the financial condition of the house my mom took a job as a teacher . I was still small at that time I guess still 4 years somewhat . She used to teach at school and go to work at another place . No used to take care of me . I used live alone at my house from mid afternoon to Evening all alone . My parents used to keep food for me and go to work . I had a younger brother who was still smaller to me . He used to stay in babysitting . Imagine a small kid left all alone at home . Because i was small and felt very lonely and scared I used to talk to myself and that's how my habit of talking to myself started . I also to do house hold work like cleaning house and filling water . If I did not do these she used to beat me after coming back home. I had tv at home but most of the time my mother used to remove the cable and go so that I don't waste time watching T.V and study . She never scolded or tortured my younger bro . She hardly hit him . But for me life was hell . Because I was a Girl and I should be perfect and better than other girls. She used to compare me with girls of my building and classmates . Somehow I grew up . When I used to stay alone at home I used to feel very scared . I was not even allowed to go in windows or balcony . She used to scare me by saying she has told specific people to keep an eye on me which was a joke. She just did this to avoid me from looking out of window or balcony. As evening was about to happen i used to get scared more and more. Because of loneliness , darkness and

the thought that my mom will come back home . When I grew up more (1st grade ) she started working as a teacher in the same school as me . She used to take my information from other teachers and used to scold me at home or in front of my whole class . Everyone used to look at me and make fun of me. She used to beat me , scold me, and give me long terms silent treatments for forgetting something , not able to grasp while studying . She was very abusive to me both mentally and physically . But something , I hated the most is that when my brother used to do the same mistakes she never beat him nor scolded him as badly as she did to me . When I started my puberty , she said that it's not ok to start so early . I mean what the hell . Even in this she is blaming me . I used to feel sad . But eventually she accepted it and moved on . Later , she started comparing me to other girls based on my looks , height , face , race , lineage ( yes she think she is too superior and that my fathers side is dumb ) . I used to feel so bad that she my own mother how can she such things to me . Never in my life any stranger commented on my looks , face height , race , lineage and she being my mother compared me with everyone . Due to all this , I started doubting myself even more . I started hating myself like hell . I was 12 - 13 years old and I started getting suicidal thoughts . I felt i am useless , worthless , i felt like dying . The bubbly , pretty girly soul in me died and i felt like a trash bag . Eventually my depression, anxiety , stress started to come on my face . I became dull . My body became lifeless . I did not knew what to do . Due all these reasons my productivity at school decreased . My teachers started complaining my mom saying that she is always lost ( in other way : due to boys and bad influences ) but it was nothing like that . She used to scold me even without knowing anything truth. She used to used slangs . There are manyyyyyyyyyyy harsh facts i want to write but i will write them next time

Thank you .