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Let me explain, it’s not what u think.
A few years ago (before someone started playing Jumanji in Feb) I wrote a letter (oh god, stop playing Jumanji) and like everything, it got leaked I fancy a boy.
After gossip and peer pressure, I felt like I broke...
Then I suddenly got this liking for being sad ( I dunno, emo emotion?). And when I got sad I would lay in bed and cry. Then I got this feeling near my heart which felt like a heart attack (Which I found out in June). But I liked that feeling. So every night I would cry in my bed for that feeling.
Then a thought entered my head: How would people react if I died? By suicide? Or murder?
I WAS NOT SUICIDAL. I DID NOT WANT TO DIE. I JUST IMAGINED IT HAPPENING.
Then it started to get dark. I would think of being a merciless killer (Terminator?) and it felt so good. I thought of being a vampire a zombie and a robot. I thought parts of my body falling off in front of my class. How would they react if they knew what I was thinking?
I often thought of gruesome deaths. Then I started to “pretend” to be insane.
First it started as demons possessed me. There would be three demons, Faith, Willow, Lavender (cheesy I know) and they all had different personalities and they all resented each other. So I would talk to myself, pretending to be those demons, arguing fighting, talking of bloodshed. I remember doing my hair different each time I switched demons.
But then I drew to a blank. I felt like it was wasting time. Is this who I am?
But then it came back again, the rumination, the demons, the sad feeling.
Then I started thinking of situations where I was dumb, lost something or was made a fool of. I changed those scenes in my mind to darker, where I won, or was slayed to death. Then I wanted to be mad. And maybe I was.
But saying I was mad, will make me not, because mad people do not realise they are.
Henceforth, saying I am not mad will show the opposite result.
It’s annoying.
It’s hard putting all my emotions into words. And it’s annoying because people will tell you to go to a doctor. WHICH IS BLOODY DEHUMANISING.
I’m not sure whether I want/need help. But honestly, if I’m gonna act like this the rest of my life, that’s not something I would really like.
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Well I feel you but you know, I feel demons and when I pray they get away, I don’t know if it’s better to feel like me or like you.
I send you praying and love
You are enough and deserve everything
I hug you
We are enough
We have the world others have difficulties to understand
But we are we
And we know how to heal
ReplyO my god thank you. I’m not strictly religious, but I’ll try to pray. Thank you
ReplyYou will be better off to stop acting like this now.
ReplyHow
Reply