I think i might actually be a psychopath

Trigger warning!!! Do not read if you are sensitive to abuse, animal abuse, drug usage or sexual addiction.

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Some things that no one else knows but me. I've done some fairly horrible shit. I honestly believe that I either am, or was a psychopath. Maybe even a narcissist.

It hurts to have to think these things, so maybe something has changed in me.

I've always abused animals since I was a kid. One of the first instances was back when I was 6 or 7. My friend and I had caught a stray cat and we killed it using a laundry line. Then took it and put it under the doormat of a woman we disliked.

Even in my teens, this time it was my brother and me. We didn't kill the cat though. Just hurt it pretty badly.

But I've hurt more than just animals. I've hurt people too. Severe jealousy, super controlling, verbally abusive. Even physically a couple different times.

For a long while, I thought I had broken it. Then many years later, my ex decided to get 2 kittens. I told her I didn't want pets. I told her to get rid of them.

She eventually got tired of them though, after one of them scratched her near her eye. So she told me to throw them over the balcony. So I did. They survived, it was a 2 story drop. They just kinda sat there for a while, meowing. Which ripped into me.

I told her not to get them...

It's not freeing to type these things. I don't feel "better" about it. I've got most the other trademarks of a narcissist to some degree, except I don't want glory or whatever. I don't want people to worship me. I don't think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

In fact, I feel like I'm worse than Hitler. Worse than Stalin. I'm the worst human being to ever walk this planet.

But I'll tell you, I was definitely addicted to sex. Especially oral sex. I loved it when my partners went down on me, I'd return the favor and I'd do so with gusto. So I guess I'm just orally inclined.

I'd want them to go for as long as they could, but only a couple of them would ever go beyond orgasm. Once I erupted, they would stop. But I absolutely loved the mixture of pain and pleasure when the couple who would keep going, would do so. It was intense, more than just an ordinary orgasm. I loved how it felt, it made me feel electric.

And of course drugs and alcohol, cant forget about that. I've abused pot quite frequently in my life, alcohol too. But pot got to me in a way that alcohol never did. Alcohol just made me feel aware of how slow I was. Pot made everything seem to slow down.

But in the end, it's always been about me and when someone would break my heart and leave, I'd think of killing myself or killing them. I had even drawn put plans for one of them. Even in the most recent breakup. My mind still passes the idea of getting revenge for everything they took from me.

But I'd like to think I've grown just a hair. So I don't even bother with it anymore. I think it, but that's all. It goes away after a bit.

Yeah, maybe I am a narcissist, even though I hate myself and I don't want anyone to like or love me. Sure, it'd be nice if I could have a partner who loved me, but that's not gonna happen. Maybe I should try to kill myself again. Though I know I'd fail at it.

When it comes down to the bottom line, I don't want to change what I'm doing with my life. I just want to be loved by a partner as I am. That's not gonna happen.

I suppose you could make the case for borderline personality disorder. Of course, I've tried to get therapists to see that in me. But I'm on government funded Medicaid, so they won't give me that diagnosis because that insurance doesn't cover BPD.

So why even bother trying to get treatment if they won't treat my actual symptoms? It's stupid.