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Life isn't really all that hot, is it? I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am, but yeah... I had such high expectations for where I would be right now, the things I'd do, the person I'd become. But I haven't become anything really. I feel like I wear a mask whenever I speak to people. I don't ever truly fit in which is odd, because a few years ago I was the life and soul. Now it feels like I'm a corpse or something, putting on an act that I'm a living, breathing human. That makes no sense but you know what I mean.
Nothing feels real or tangible. The keyboard I'm using right now doesn't feel real and nor do my interpersonal relationships. I don't even know who I am deep down. I might be an evil person and my whole 'act' is just to make sure other people don't have a peek into that dark depth. Idk. But when I hear people laugh around me, it doesn't feel right or real- I force a laugh to blend in, but it's not real. I'm a terrible actress, too. I think people can somewhat sense that I'm not being my true self, and it creeps them out. I don't blame them, that vibe from someone else would creep me out too.
I avoid making eye contact with people because I feel like they'll see ME. You know what I mean? Kind of sad maybe. And sad eyes with a big smile is kind of disturbing, right? I feel like I'm disturbing people with my forcing things. But what am I meant to do? Actually act how I feel? Nobody will enjoy my company then.
Idk. What do people think?
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First of all, I want to reassure you that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I know it feels that way but I promise you that many people, myself included, many real people are feeling or have felt exactly how you feel in this moment. I know it feels like there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel and that you are tired. Tired and afraid of showing your real emotions because you are scared you will be a burden to your loved ones. However, you are wrong my friend because I promise you that your loved ones would want to be there for you and comfort you. So, try talking to someone about how you feel. Since, I promise you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you do. If not, I promise you one thing, you are beautiful, strong and worthy of happiness that is waiting for you. Things will get better and you will look back on this moment one day and be reminded of how strong you were, virtual hugs :) x
ReplyI totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with the other person who commented. It is completely scary and hard to talk about your feelings but once you let go and open up to someone about how you are feeling it might make you feel a little better. I was/still acting like I was fake and that everyone around me had their life together except me. However, I finally opened up about this to someone and it helped me to realize that I wasn't alone in those feelings. So I guess this is my way of telling you that you aren't alone and it is okay to feel a little off sometimes. I don't think you are an evil person, I just think you are starting to try find yourself and realize what you like and don't like. so just take a second to breathe and know that you will be okay. :)
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