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I am Alice and Icarus, for I too fly too close to the sun, and then plummet down the rabbit hole.
3 years ago · 1 · Depression, +2
570
Trigger warning: Suicide, self-harm
I have struggled with living with myself since I was 8 years old. At 11 I thought I wouldn’t make it to 12. At 14 I thought I wouldn’t make it to 15. At 16 I thought I wouldn’t make it past 18. And it continues and continues. Today I am 22 unsure if I’ll make to 30. I found my first gray hair the other day, a symbol of me beating the odds.
But just tonight I slid a dull knife across my skin 100 times. Only shallow, long cuts appeared. The only cut to bleed was a slightly less shallow, must shorter cuz. And the physical pain resulting from how badly I wanted to off myself. Normally my suicide plan is to drive in front of a semi, or into a gas tank, maybe off a bridge. Something that can look like an accident, but deep down you will all know what I did, and think you could’ve stopped it. Maybe you could have, if you looked into my brain. If you gave me love. If you never brought an ounce of doubt or pain to me.
But you can’t stop it. I know I will commit suicide one day. I simply do not know when. And you cannot stop it because you cannot give me all the love I need, without all the criticism I need. I am a terrible miserable person who only feels pain and casts pain away.
I think about disappearing. Making myself a missing person. Maybe 5 people will worry about me. The rest will scroll past my Facebook profile photo pasted on a missing post on social media. I would not be found, I am an ugly girl of color, and they do not look for girls like me when we disappear.
I could turn off my phone and drive away. Far, far away. Maybe the rolls will tell you where I go, but by the time you have traced me, you’ll find I have driven into a billboard. Maybe I’ll buy a bus ticket- they greyhounds are cheap. Dye my hair, wear sunglasses and a mask. Stay hidden forever until I hitch hike and someone takes my pain away for me.
There is no hopeful message at the end of this, only a desire for the pain to stop. For the thoughts to stop. For everything to stop. I want to cease existing. To permanently sleep.
Today we are deep in the rabbit hole, and I hope the fall ends in something that will numb me.
Today there is no courage to end it all, but I cannot help it to not hope that someday, that courage does come.
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Actually your thought of hopping a bus with a disguise and vanishing sounds kind of nice. A new start. Essentially death and rebirth, but without the death part. Have you seriously thought about doing this? It would be difficult and a little scary, but not as much as suicide.
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