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I was so awful to him when we worked together. The consuming thoughts of him were too much to handle, so I began to be nasty to him. I hoped that I would eventually believe those feelings, while hiding my feelings for him from others. It only made him resent me and push him away from me. I would apologise, we'd be friends again and then I'd hurt him again. I hate that I did it and I hate myself for it. Still 'til now. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in almost a year. It still haunts me, hurts me, and makes me feel ill. I still feel like I love him. I just want to be rid of that feeling. It's not like he did anything to deserve my passion for him. He was just himself. I just wanted him so much and I still do. I feel a need for him. It's one of the most maddening sensations I've ever experienced. I wonder if he was meant to be for me and I just fucked things up because I couldn't control my emotions. I also wonder had I felt good about myself, would I have fallen for him like I did. So many thoughts, emotions and regrets. I have a feeling that I'm meant to serve out my Karma for how nasty I was to him. I feel like it changed me. In a bad way. I hope he doesn't hate me. I want this lump in my throat to go away. I want the longing to go away. The wanting is what kills me the most.
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I know this is an old post but let me tell you a story. a boy meet a girl he was so happy too be friends with her . knowing he could never be more than a friend because after he got to know this girl he fell in love but his life wasn't ready for her. One day the Girl gave a huge hint that she felt the same way. The boy knew she had feelings and gave so many hints telling her to wait. the girl was thick headed and took everything he said the wrong way. one day a fight happened between them. So she shunned him for months. One day the Boy went to the Dr. and found out his system was shutting down and he had to leave. So he made one last attempt to fix things between them. She told him to stay out of her life. a month latter he almost dies then 2 years go by. everyday he thought about her wanting to reach out to try and fix things. But knowing how she wanted things from the last message he doesn't. she remembers him everyday and thinks of what could of been knowing she screwed everything up between them. the boy one day passes her in a walmart. she doesn't know its him his body has changed. he doesn't say a word but walks on. decades pass she has children and her children have children but never felt the connection like she felt with him. she gets put in a home with a nice park. One day she sits on a bench. a elder man takes a seat next to her and says its been years how have you been. she looks lost at first at the strange man. then he tells her who he is and tells her how he has thought of her all this time. she begins to cry as she looks in his eyes. she tells him how she felt about him back then. he does the same. 2 weeks later they get married. a year passes one night the man tells the woman if i don't wake up i want you to know my hole life i waited for you and i would do it again if i had to just so i can be with you in the end. The man die that night.
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