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I find myself at an extremely difficult crossroads. It shouldn't be that difficult, that much I know. Yet it is, because I know everything I need to know.
This is my life, all the previous things I've lost are set in stone. A stone that has tended to crush me under it's weight as I've carried it around for so long.
You could imagine the sheer weight of it, feel how course it is against your skin, feel your gums cringe at the sounds of it scraping behind you as you drag it along. Like some concrete mass you've refused to leave behind.
I ask myself, what am I even thinking? I can't just leave this here! But why not? Because it's all I have left. Life would feel so alien without it.
All those tears, all that sorrow, all that pain, all that trauma, all that regret. Things I've been carrying with me since the day i was born, or so it seems.
I can't remember a time when i didn't have this weight on my shoulders. It has always been there and I understand why but now there is a new why to understand here.
Nobody can see beyond a choice they don't understand.
My perception of reality is all based around what I've built and destroyed along the way and it was all shaped with this weight on me.
This shouldn't be as complicated as it is. But it is and that's something I have to accept and understand. That's how you get better, right?
It's just a simple thing, tomorrow. Just one simple thing. That's all. But I know the ramifications of it. I know what my plans are. That I'm going to have to put everything I know into the back of my mind and try to live forward.
It's threatening, it's unknown, it's uncharted territory, unfamiliar. How can I be sure this is going to result in anything good? I can't know, i don't know. No one ever does. That's the point of life, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
It makes my mind want to rage and i try to be compassionate with myself about it. I understand why it feels so threatening, this isn't s choice I've ever made before.
To try to do this differently, to accept that yes, I need the help. Yes, I need to let this weight go. The looming questions of doubt are ever present and the only thing I can tell myself is that there's only one way I'm ever going to find out.
Sitting here, wasting away, staying buried under all the rubble of my history. That's never going to result in anything new, it's never going to lead to me feeling better.
Which is why tomorrow, it all begins again. I'm getting back into therapy and this time I've got a weird form of motivation to compel myself to do things the right way. The way I know they need to be done. I have the tools, I have the knowledge, I've grown so much from everything I've lost but all that growth was covered up by all that weight.
It already feels alien to me, to even think like this. This isn't normal for me at all. Normally, my mind is like a bomb going off. But not today, not right now.
Now it's the not knowing, the insecurities, the doubts. All of which I know why they are there, I've never done this before. So I remain compassionate to those thoughts but the mantra stays the same. There's only one way to find out.
I know I can't just make excuses anymore, no matter how badly my mind wants to. No matter how badly I even want to. Because I know that I'm afraid of trying, only to be met with failure. It terrifies me.
Yet, I understand. I am sympathetic to these fears and I know why they exist in my mind. Which terrifies me in a way that I can't describe because maybe this time, I can make this real.
But it all starts with this and it all builds off of the belief that there is only one way I'm ever going to find out.
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