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I don't function the way I should, I know that. I don't believe for one second that I'm on the same playing field as everyone else. That's just the way I see it. I'm sub-human at best.
So what do all 3 of these things have to do with each other?
Well, put simply, these are things I'll likely never have. But whatever, right?
Positivity is something that I sincerely struggle with and because of that barrier, it is unusual for me to find things that I actually enjoy. Which means I have less things to talk about that aren't super serious, which creates excess weight on any relationship I form.
Knowing all of this and being aware of it isn't helpful either. In fact, it tends to feed into a self defeatist mindset. Because how could I ever hope to function properly when I can't even meet the minimum standards?
I often feel like I was hit with a handicap at birth. Having seen and experienced some of the worst things imaginable, it makes things appear in a very set way.
I'm aware of this effect that we call "trauma" and I'm aware of how it effects my perception. But there really isn't much I can do about it. Even though it's my own mind, I do not have mastery over this area. It's been beyond my control since I first became conscious.
Without that control, I can never hope to even begin to function like everyone else and since I can't function like everyone else, I become an outcast, a burden.
Which effects my capacity for willingness to actively try to improve things. Making it exponentially more difficult to find the motivation to do things because I can't seem to break set barriers, so I construct new barriers. Hard limits that I won't go beyond.
The more barriers are built, the less I'm capable of doing. But in all of this, it still doesn't stop the desires for connection, the desire to be loved, the desire to be touched, to be worthy of attention and affection, of loyalty, of happiness and peace.
All of these outlets are closed off to me because I can't break out of the barriers that are built around me. Some of which, I built myself.
Being aware of all of it only serves to harm me. Because that becomes the focal point, how flawed I am. How unworthy i am. How undeserving i am. How broken i am.
This is why I say that it's a lot like atomic nuclear bombs are going off inside my head. One domino falls and a cascade more fall behind it. All collapsing within a second, inside my head. It's literally that fast.
I can't function normally. So I'm not worthy of being in a relationship, I'm not capable of being positive on any regular basis, I can't enjoy life the way I should.
All the most important aspects of existence to me, I can't operate in a way to properly maintain them and I don't know how that isn't supposed to effect me.
My life can be summed up by a meme. The "this is fine" meme, with the dog sitting in the kitchen of a burning house. That's my life right there. Very literally.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I don't want to die here, but it doesn't feel like it's even a choice.
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You must have read the story 'Sleeping Beauty' and now you think a bad fairy has put a spell on you. This is what you remind me of. See a therapist who will work through all of this with you. Don't worry one day you will meet your Prince Charming.
Reply*princess charming
ReplyHave you been professionally diagnosed with bpd?
ReplyNot yet. They won't diagnose me with it because my insurance won't cover it.
ReplyPositivity and optimism aren’t 100% innate IMO. We can come into this world predisposed and wired more optimally for them and then our environment establishes whether they’ll take.
It might feel fake but over time you can logically develop those pathways. You can learn to objectively look at the facts of a situation and see reality rather than emote into a negative expectation. It takes practise, repetition and training from a therapist. This is what they teach in DBT.
This isn’t necessarily positivity but it isn’t defaulting to the worst outcome. Over time you can expect reality instead of catastrophic results to everything.
I’m saying this because I’ve had ptsd and I know what I was like before that. I was positive and optimistic but that got completely destroyed by trauma. I had to relearn how to view the world. Now I still see things as awful but 80% of the time I see things realistically.
Reality is hard to look at.
The other thought I had Is that if you still find certain things pleasing, like watching a show you like or drinking a coffee, then you have a form of happiness. Pleasure is a form of happy. Again, your lens is going to negify everything so even after you experience pleasure it might quickly twist away from it. Things you can learn with DBT to shift.
You may not be able to regulate your emotions until you’re in ongoing therapy for many years. You may struggle with these things ongoing but you will likely develop a more positive expectancy when you can see facts not clouded by fantasy. You may enjoy life more when you can elongate a pleasure experience, however small it is. You may also be able to train your brain to habitually ride out your own self hate so that you can sustain a relationship. But you can’t do it alone. You need long term therapy.
There is a high success rate for those with bpd that take DBT to enjoy their lives more.
ReplyI forgot to mention that awareness is useless without corresponding action. You need checks and balances that are motivating. You would need to figure that out in the first couple sessions with a therapist. I know people with bpd who feel overwhelmed by the thought of therapy for the rest of their life. The alternative is living hell though. The ones that go have a semblance of consistent vitality to their lives. It’s your choice. You can’t change what happened. The only way is forward or emotional death. Sometimes people need rock bottom before they’ll change and others choose the bottom.
Reply