Sigh...

I don't know if I am in love or just in love with the idea of being in love. The scary thing right now is that I doubt it is the latter. I think I have fallen...deeply. I'm trying my best to get back up, I really am. I even went through a mini-checklist to make sure...is it just a crush?....is it just lust or infatuation?...these options are usually the likelihood, especially at my age. It's been a year now and I would still love him if he had no legs and his face was scorched off. I want to be with him and I want to love him. Is it an obsession of some sort? Unfortunately, I cannot tell. I guess that's an important thing to figure out. What I do know is, when I think of him, my heart beats faster and I feel warm. A creeping sadness then follows skipping hand in hand with reality. The butterflies in my stomach turn violent , my chest gets heavy and my throat feels like its closing in on itself; a strange mechanism. It's almost as if its a portal that's closing to prevent the sadness from escaping and further tarnishing the world. Then, my eyes start to feel like they've been open for too long. Tired and on the brink of tears that never arrive. Sigh.