Broken from the Beginning

TRIGGER WARNING. THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE AND CONTAINS EXPLICIT DETAILS OF CHILD ABUSE. WRITTEN FROM THE MIND OF THE WOMAN WHO ONCE WAS THIS BROKEN CHILD.

She didn't even want to greet the world. Holding on for dear life to the only warmth she had ever known. But like many things in her life she was forced to emerge anyways. Crying and cold.  They wrapped her up tight and handed her to those she belonged to.

Everyone looked at her as if she was the doll they had been waiting for. Determined to mold her into what they wanted. Dressing her up as if she was only there to be their plaything. Teaching her to act like a proper little lady. To be exactly what everyone thought she should be and never allowing her to be who she truly was.

As difficult as that was to deal with the little girl always smiled. Trying so hard to please everyone else. She jumped through all their hoops like the obedient little puppy she was. However, soon that bright eyed child and her smile would vanish. Becoming jaded and broken well before her time.

Her first memory is of her Uncle. She loved him so much but honestly she loved everyone. As she slept over at her cousins, her uncle approached her promising the Barbie she had her heart set on. Excitement filled her tiny body as if she would burst. A smile so big it lit up her face.

Staring out the window she eagerly waited to pull up to the toy store. But instead he drove to the park where she had often played. Confusion rushed over her as she turned to him asking, "Why are we here Uncle Bob?"

She was to young to be able to comprehend the small smile that crossed his face but it was a sinister one. A smile that would haunt her for years to come. "I want to show you how much I really love you."

She was so innocent and naive. If she had even a clue as to what he meant by those words she would not have responded differently. "I know you love me. Your my Uncle. Of course you love me silly Uncle Bob. Why else would you take me to get a new Barbie."

"Yes but you are special and I want to show just how special you are. Just how much I really love you and I want you to show me how much you love me too."

"How?"

"Let me show you sweetheart."

It was the last thing that she heard before he stole her innocence. Before he shattered her heart and mind. Even after it happened she didn't know what it was called. She didn't understand what really happened. Most five year olds wouldn't.

He took her hand and placed it in the middle of his lap. Holding his hand on top of hers and moving it around.

"Good girl. You are such a good girl."

"I dont understand Uncle Bob. Why are we here? I want to go home. Please take me home." She sounded so small and pitiful. She didn't know what was happening but she knew she didn't like it.

"I will when I am done loving you the way you deserve. You are my special little girl and you deserve to know just how special you really are. So hush now."

He flung her hand aside and began to take down his pants. Fumbling with the button and zipper until he finally freed himself. He looked at her, darkness filling his eyes, and in the lowest of tones said, "Now take your clothes off. Just like I did sweetie. Show me how beautiful you are."

She just stared at him. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Unable to form words. Trying to process what was happening. Why it was happening. She began backing away as far as she could. Huddled against the door.

He reached over and unbuckled her. "Do as your told Jessica. Do you want to upset me?"

"No. I dont want to make you upset. I don't want to take my clothes off though. I just want to go home. Please. I dont like this." She was almost whispering in a pleading tone that screamed fear.

"Its okay honey. I told you that you can go home after I show you my love. But I am going to take your clothes off now and you are going to let me."

He reached towards her and began to take her clothes off one piece at a time. Whimpers escaped her as she began to shiver. She tried to cover herself as best she could but he pried her hands off herself and looked at her as if he would devour her. He grabbed her hand again and placed it on himself. Gripping around her tiny fingers forcing them to hold onto the hardness of him. Making her stroke him as he breathed heavy and loud.

It was then that she left herself. Looking at the lamppost shining down on them. A moth in the flame. Until he grabbed her. Pulling her on top of him. He tried to force his way inside of her. Tears streamed down her face. She begged for him to stop. "Please. It hurts. I just want to go home. Please." Sobs racked her chest. She struggled to breathe.

"Shhhhhhh. It will be over soon little one."

Realizing she was to small to take him he picked his fingers and slipped them between her thighs. She tried to jerk away but his grip on her tightened and held her in place. He put his seat back as far as it would go and layed her against the steering wheel. She tried to close her legs but he pulled them apart. Positioning her hips close enough to rub himself against her. He stroked himself as he periodically rubbed his hardness against the slickness of her. Wet from the saliva he had placed there.

She just tried tried to focus on the light above them. To her it seemed like a spotlight was on them. Revealing the things better left to the dark. He grabbed her face and made her look at him. She couldn't flee to the safety of the light any more.

"Look at me. I want you to feel how much I love you. I want you to see how special you really are. Oh Jessica you are making your Uncle so happy. Tell me you love me."

She just cried and tried to frantically look away. He was rubbing himself so roughly now. It scared her. It made her want to scream.

"Tell me now or I will have to punish you. Do you want me to punish you? Because it will hurt. I promise it will hurt."

"I....Love.....You...." Her voice broke. She shuddered as the words came out.

"Who do you love? Say my name beautiful." His voice strained but his eyes so focused and dark that it sent shivers through her. Making her fear what more he could do. How he would punish her.

"I....Love.....You....Uncle.....Bob....."

"Good Girl. I love you too." As the words words were spoken he finally released himself on her. He picked her up and tossed her in the passenger seat. Pulling his pants back up, he fixed his seat.

He reached around her and she jerked back so hard her head hit the door. She turned around and began clawing at the window. Wanting so badly to get away. He grabbed her arm and forced her to sit back in the seat. He had grabbed a tissue out of the glove box and began to wipe her off. She just laid there. Quiet and numb. After he was finished cleaning her up, he helped dress her and then buckled her in.

He grabbed her face again telling her one last thing. "See I told you I loved you. I gave you something much more special than a Barbie. I gave you my love. All of my love.".

Then he released her and took her back to her other Uncle's house to the sleepover. As her brother slept in the bunk bed above, her uncle laid with her in the bed below. Holding her close. His breath hitting her neck. He explored her body once more. But this time she was dead. She just laid there not making a sound and staring at the snow on the television. While one hand was under her pajama pants feeling between her legs his other was on himself.

Once again he relieved himself. After he was done he got up. She prayed he wouldn't come back. That he was finally done with her. But like many times to come her prayers fell on deaf ears. He crawled back into bed, spooning her from behind. Telling her how special, how loved, how beautiful, and assortment of other sweet nothings until he finally fell asleep. She didn't sleep though. Tears just streamed down her face as she stared at the TV. Wrapped tightly against him. She cried silently until she had no tears left.

He broke her in those moments. Altered her life from here on out. She would never smile so brightly again. She would never truly be innocent anymore. The pain that he brought followed her for the rest of her life.

He continued to use her for his own pleasure. Inviting her over to his house for sleepovers with his girlfriend and her little girl. He would wait until his woman went out of the room and then take her. Sometimes his girlfriend would be in the shower, or at the store, or just asleep.

He would scoop her up into his arms. Touching and kissing her all over. Sitting her on his lap. Making her do things that she didn't even understand. She couldn't even tell you what they were called. But it didn't matter. He broke her to the point that she believed this was love. This was what she was meant for. What she was made to be. A good little girl existing only for the pleasure of others.

He began sharing her with his brother. Another uncle showing his love in all the wrong ways. Excited that he could join in on the fun his brother was having, he came to her house. He was there to watch her and her little brother. But the truth of it was he was there only for her.

As soon as her mother left he sat the little brother in front of the TV. Then he grabbed her and rushed her upstairs to her room. He tossed her on the bed. He was kissing her incessantly ripping at her Princess Jasmine pajamas. The further the pajamas fell the more he kissed her body. But she remained still staring at the ceiling. Blank stares and dead eyes. Body numb. Breath shallow.

It didn't deter him though. She was just a doll after all. He moved and positioned her whichever way he felt. Until he finally flipped her over. Propping her hips up high. Caressing her butt, slipping his hand between her legs feeling all of her. Finishing himself, falling beside her as she remained in the same position feeling his remains trailing down her body.

Once he caught his breath he led her to the shower. Turning it on and scrubbing her from head to toe. Never saying a word. He dried her off, found clothes, and dressed her. He looked at her then, "I hope you know I love you. Just like Bob does. This is our secret though honey. Other people won't understand. So can you keep this a secret?"

She shook her head. Just staring at the floor. Feeling nothing. Like a robot just going through the motions programmed into her.

"You are such a good girl. I am so proud of you. Do you want to come downstairs and watch TV or eat something?"

She shook her head no. Wanting him to leave. Wanting to be alone. Wanting to just curl into a ball.

"Okay....well I will be downstairs if you need anything. Anything at all."

He left her then. She closed her door. Locking it and putting her head against the cold wood staying there for what seemed like forever. Tired and cold she turned and crawled into bed. Pulling the covers over her head and curling into the ball she so longed for. She couldn't even cry anymore. She just laid there silent and staring into the darkness she created for herself. Wondering what was really so special about her.

He came back a few days later and took her, her brother, and his kids out to eat. As all the kids played on the jungle gym he and his wife pulled her aside. He apologized for what he did. The wife told her that it would never happen again. They she was a brave girl and so good at keeping secrets. They were so proud of her. She just stared at them silently. Nodding her head when she needed to.

Years of abuse from these two eventually became discovered. Her mother confronted her, asking what had happened, but she remained silent. It wasn't until she saw a counselor that she opened up. Pointing to dolls and describing the things that happened. But nothing came of it. Her mother whisked her out of state and she was never told what happened. She began to believe that telling the truth was useless. That he got away with it all. That no one could really help her. So she never spoke of it again.

Her mother never gave her hugs or held her hand or showed her love in the right ways. She didn't know how to handle this broken child. A single mom alone to deal with trauma that she knew nothing about. The girl believed that the only type of love she deserved or would ever get was the love of her uncles.

Years later she discovered that there was another little girl. Both mothers thought it was best to not go to trial and have their children testify. So nothing came of it and both uncles got away with everything they did. Never being punished for the lives they ruined.

The world is made for monsters. For the strong and fearless. The weak and pitiful suffer. There for the amusement of others. To be their prey. To be devoured. Justice is a joke. For even if "justice" had been served to these two men the girl would still be dead inside. Scarred for life. Nothing could ever make that pain go away. You either learn to live with it or let it kill you.

..............................................................

This is only the beginning. For the girl went through so much more abuse in her life. In a constant mode of survival and a desperate search for love and acceptance. Unfortunately it only gets darker. But if you hold on long enough you will see that through the darkness she finally found her light.