I'm a scared 17 year old girl who is just seeking advice...or for someone to just listen...

I am scared. Im scared of running out of money. Of not being able to pay for everything that i need to pay for. My parents both don't have jobs. We only live off of food stamps. My 12 year old brother is living a life i never had to live when i was a kid. My parents have always tried their best, and have always done everything they could do to help us, buy lately they have stopped trying. i have been staying with my boyfriends on and off from his house to my house, and its really nice. But... i feel so guilty for staying here all of the time. i feel like Im just running away from my family. They always tell me that its okay, and that i shouldn't be sorry for staying there a lot. They say they are happy that im happy. But i know they aren't truly happy. I can feel, and see the life draining from them everyday. They hate to ask for money, but they do sometime ask for it, even from me. I wouldn't have a problem with it, but i have to pay for a trip for next year. Its my boyfriends sisters wedding that going to be in Jamaica. The plane ticket is 600 dollars, and the rest is around 2000 dollars. My boyfriend is helping too, because we are going to be sharing a room. But..even though i have a job, i can't even save a measly 600 dollars bc i have to pay for all of my other stuff, like hair products, makeup, all of my neccesity stuff that my parents always used to pay for. I fele like such a spoiled brat for talking like that. They shouldn't have to pay for all of that stuff, right? Am I being selfish, or am I being reasonable? That's the question I ask myself everyday.

My boyfriends sister is getting anxious, and i feel so scared that Im going to let everyone down. I feel like such a failure. I can feel my will to fight slowly draining from my body. i just want everyone to be happy, i just want to be happy. I feel like such a child for talking like that. That's how I used to talk, when things got rough as a kid. I was a lot more kinder when I was a child. But now, I'm just a selfish person, I always cries about how hard her life is. Others have it worse than me, so why am I still crying? People keep on telling me i need to think about myself more, but i just can't do that so easily. There are people out there who need me. My family needs me. I can't turn my back on them. But, at the same time, I have to start getting my savings intact, and pay for my on things first. I still need to pay for my own cap and gown for graduation. Which is also making my head spin because that means more money is going to have to be spent. I feel so selfish telling my parents I can't give them money. I feel so selfish for telling them they need to keep trying, to keep looking for a job. My dad did have a job, but Covid 19 happened, and before we knew it, he had lost his job.

I know this is a lot. But i just...need someone to tell me that its gonna be okay. I've been having depressing thoughts, and I've never had those types of thoughts until recently.I just feel so...hopeless. I feel like I can never recover from how far I've fallen into the deep end. I just...hate asking for help. But, i want help, but at the same time, i want to do all of his myself. I want to make enough money on my own to do it. But...its just so hard for some reason. Am i being stupid for saying its hard to save 600 dollars? My boyfriend says it is hard, but he has saved up around 2000 dollars. I keep thinking that its because he has such wonderful parents who help him out financily, but i sound so selfish when i say it like that. Im not jealous of him and his life, but i do yearn for my life to be like his. I need to just try harder, huh? Maybe I'm just lazy...

Please, someone just listen. i need to know I'm not alone. That I'm not the only teenager who has problems like these. Maybe not to the full extent of all of my problems, but just to the extent of money troubles. Of parents who have given up, who were once the strongest people you had ever known.