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So, what would an ideal day in my life look like? Or just an ideal life? I know for sure there are certain habits that I would have in this ideal life of mine, and other habits that I would not have. I would eat more fresh and healthy foods, drink more water, take vitamins that my body needs. I would spend much more time working on self-improvement and a lot less time worrying about everyone else. I would be an early riser and go to bed early as well. I would feel mentally and spiritually grounded and at peace with myself. I would have forgiven myself and moved forward from the past. I would have glowing, clear skin, long and healthy hair, a fit body… This ideal life seems so far away from the life I am living in right now. In this ideal life I would be happy and content. I would feel grateful and loved. I wouldn’t feel guilty for being myself or for how I feel. Or for what I think. Because in my life right now I always feel guilty about something, most of the time about something that I shouldn’t feel guilty for. And I’ve felt this way for a long time. I honestly can’t remember the last time I lived my life and didn’t hate the girl I saw in the mirror. I think it’s been at least ten years. And because of this guilt, I feel weighed down all the time, and that weight is driving me down into the ground. And that ground is depression. When I think back to when I was little, I always think of a care-free, laughing, over-all happy little girl. When I see pictures of myself from back then, I don’t recognize myself. She is such a different person from who I am now. And obviously I have changed a lot because that’s what happens when you grow up. But I’ve grown up too fast and too much. And I’ve just become this sad person who can’t see that happy little girl in herself anymore.
This ideal life feels so damn far away. And I know that I have let myself down with what my life looks like now. Because my teenage years were going to be these incredible years full of excitement and love and happiness. But so far they have been the worst years of my life. I think that the last time I felt okay was before my grandpa got sick when I was around ten years old. I was in fifth grade then. Before then life was okay. My parents fought and I had problems with bullying, but that was it. But when my grandpa died my entire world changed forever. Ever since I lost him I have just continued to lose everyone and everything. And honestly, the worst loss I’ve experienced is when I realized that I had lost myself. Because I have no idea who I am anymore. When I look at myself in the mirror I can only see the result of five years of constant hell and depression and hurt. And when I close my eyes I get lost in my own thoughts and my own mind. It’s like this crazy cave where I keep losing things in.
I wish I could find her, that girl I would be if I made different choices all those years ago. But I don’t even know if she is in me anywhere. I want to think so, but I don’t know if I believe that.
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I've never liked these exercises. It's always nice to be idealistic and to fantasize about what could be, but it's not a replacement therapy for depression.
Depression is the realist's Gin, if you will. It's like an addiction you just can't shake, not matter how hard you try and playing make belief in your mind isn't going to help that.
I'd argue that it's probably hurting you even more. As eventually the reality sets back in that you can't be this idealized self, which results in even more self doubt, self loathing and regret. Basically cementing the notions of worthlessness, hopelessness and being lost and broken.
But that's just my theory, it doesn't sound like it's particularly helpful for you, soooooo... maybe tell your therapist that you're gonna need actual THERAPY, not mind games.
This ain't global communism just yet, ok. It's not your job just yet to have nothing and be happy about it.
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