Something personal that I wanted out

I have a 'toxic' parent but even in saying that, I feel guility. My biological mother, provided me with all my basic human needs and showed me love indirectly. Although, I still felt emotionally and mentally neglected. The toxic parent would compete with me. Normally, competing is seen as healthy competition, but what are its boundaries? When your own parent starts competing with you for example in cooking. All I hear is the constant tauntering, "You are taking so long to mix this" or "your arms are so skinny, you're being lazy, you can't do this, can't do that right". Then they would take over and start showing me how exactly to do it like "you're good for nothing, when I was your age I could do this so much better than what you could." occassionally, I would feel numb to this. But hearing this repeat on the daily, just how much more insecure would you like me to get? I had to stand there and listen to your constant stabs. Because I love you and care about you and your feelings. But when I speak back to you and tell you how I really felt in a calm manner and tone, you would get angry and start belittling me even more. Telling me that I have grown up to disrespect you, that I use to be a good daughter and now I am becoming more like an arrogant girl. When I wanted to talk, you would just tell me to "Shut up. you're not even that smart, don't try and act mighty..." I get it. I already knew these things, but hearing you say it specifically to me, no matter how numb I was, I cried later on. You may not know the impact of your words, actions and influence you have over me. And then you would complain to my biological father of how much of an insolent person I was, compare me to other girls to make me feel worse. Little did you know that I have been suffering from depression, anxiety and ptsd for ages. And father, you as well. You both would never acknowledge my achievements. Always have high expectations for me, my voice never mattered. I couldn't chase my dreams when I was pulled away to fulfill both of yours. And to the people who tell me to just leave home and become indepedent when its time, you're 18. I am 18, but I do not get to control my life, not yet. It isn't easy when you're so scared of speaking in a specific manner or tone, or behaving in a certain way which wouldn't please your parents. I am scared of both of them. Yet, I love them so much, that I feel guilty. Guilty for maybe not caring enough, for being a good daughter, for always doing what would satisfy them, for using the pocket money or fees they would give me, for the life they had gave me, for me to have an extent of priviledge. For being able to stay together as a family. It makes me cry. I often think about you both late at night, even without insomnia, I can stay awake thinking about all the sacrifices that you both have made for our family and when I compare that to the hurt I have recieved, it never adds up. Because my problems become so small and I feel invalidated. You both are my stars, so no matter what abuse comes in my way, I'll face them and give you both the best life after I become somewhat successful. I want to be useful because I love you both way too much to feel an inch of dislike for the both of you.