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This is my second time writing here today. It’s 5 am and I can’t sleep. I’m crying, missing someone I never had. Just the fantasy of having him. I don’t know if he’s not interested or what. I don’t know if he’s busy as he says and I’m an stranger to him so he wouldn’t concern himself. Or maybe he thinks I’m needy. We had so much in common and I just felt we could connect. It just felt like reaching out to touch something warm.. and fail.
Some days I barely keep the tears at bay. I wish I just could close my eyes and leave this world.
But for me this world has never been about what I want. We’re family of eight with 7 singles and 1 widowed. My father died when I was 14. I love my family, but I just can’t stand them anymore. I feel like no matter how much I try I’m never good enough. I’m always lacking something. I can’t make a mistake, and I’m 29 years old and have issues of a teenager in a movie! But I can’t leave! It’s hard in my country to live alone as a girl. You need to be strong and I’m not.
I keep thinking how I can find an easier way to end my life. I feel like a miserable 40years old.. tired, sad. I have lost my purpose because I feel I’m not good enough..
I’m going to let my eyes get closed, wishing I’d never open them to this world...
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There are plenty more men around. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself you will become depressed so look at things with a positive attitude. After rain there is sunshine.
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