Mid-life changes

I've been staying on top of things to some extent. Sometimes I can feel the faint flickers of change inside me. I won't ever lie to you, it's hard and I know it's gonna be a very long climb out of this pit I dug myself into.

Having BPD mixed with severe depression, c-PTSD, and high functioning anxiety... it's not something I'd wish on anyone.

There are times where my mind is my own prison. There are times where memories tend to stew and create a funk, but I am trying. Even if some people don't understand what that feels like.

I'm back in therapy, that's a start to some degree. I'm keeping up with the trash, that's a start. I'm trying to be hopeful, that's a start. I'm trying to be compassionate to my thoughts but not be ruled by them, that's a start.

I could sit for months, years, decades even and waste away. I have 2 mantras I try to remind myself of; "I don't want to die here" and "you never know what tomorrow will bring".

I'm making plans, considering, weighing. That's a start. But I still won't lie to you, it feels impossible most of the time. There are times where I sink back down, then some idiot comes and pisses me off and I'm fighting again.

I suppose I should be thankful, it's that rage that fuels me to come back to this mindset. Because I refuse to accept excuses, I refuse to measure myself against someone else.

I know better than that and i am better than that. Even if it feels so hard to believe that at times.

I can't fathom what this will eventually bring, if anything at all. But I'm trying and I guess that's what matters in the end.