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I do this. I do it with some stupid echo in my head that some day, I'll find you and finding you will make all of this torment finally go away, that it'll finally make sense.
I've searched for you for over 20 years!! Y E A R S!! But the simple fact is, I've already held you in my arms, hell, I've made love to you. Thousands of times!
2 different times, i let you slip through my arms. Because I am too weak, too unstable, too abnormal to maintain a healthy relationship with.
So I can sit here and I can cry about finding you but you're not coming. Because you were never the answer to my problems.
There's only one answer to my problems and for what it's worth, I am so fucking sorry I could never be a "man". I'm sorry I could never be enough or that I was always too much. I'm sorry.
There would be tears streaming down my face as I write this, but my eyes have grown too dry to care. You could never fix me, why I thought you could is beyond me.
I don't blame you for my ailments. Don't mistake that. I love you and I mean every single fucking letter of that, make whatever comparison you like. The bottom line is I love you!
I'd live for you, I'd change for you, I'd die for you. So that's what I'll do. I'm never going to find you and even if I did, I'd have no idea of what to do once I did. So it's over.
It's over before it even began. I've loved you for as long as I can remember. I dreamt of you, even as a pubescent teenager. Sure there was some sex involved but it was always the same theme, that you'd always be there to love me, no matter what.
I've felt you so many times I've lost count. I've heard whispers of your voice in the wind, calling my name. Ive seen you in my dreams, in my imagination, in my meditations.
But you were never real, were you? Or maybe I'm the one who isn't real here. I'm the one who is so out of fucking place in this world! No, you can't be at fault here. It's just me, all me.
So before I have the chance to ruin your life, I'm saying it's over. I'm not going to give you the chance to stumble across me. I don't want you to find me, I'm far too pathetic for you.
So this is it, I'm going to kill myself. Because I can't handle the pain of existing without you and I can't handle the idea of how bad I'd hurt you if I ever found you. So that's just it.
- DJ
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ReplyThat's very sweet of you but I am not like you. There is no hope for something like me. It's time this ends.
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