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I thought I was over with all the emotional toll my grandmother's death caused me. But these past few weeks I realized that I was afraid of losing a loved one and a close friend than anything in the world. What led to this epiphany, you may ask? Well, these past months, my mom has been having difficulty with her health. Every now and then she would go see a doctor because she has asthma and high blood pressure. I don't know if it just appeared out of nowhere or it is something that is just a side effect of her menopause. What made it worse is the dreams I had where she killed herself. I would wake up in the middle of the night panting because I was so scared. I was scared because the night before my grandma's accident, I dreamt that my cousins and I were sitting in a long chair crying and in front of us is my grandmother, inside a casket, lifeless. Another thing that causing my anxiety is my father. My father's work requires him to go overseas and away for us for months. My mom and I were so afraid of him getting depression because he literally has no one to talk to. So we would chat everyday just to catch up. In my friend's case, I was given the news that she would move into another country. She always talked about it, and I was okay with it until she said that she would go earlier than anticipated. I had anxiety for a straight week just by thinking about it. So yeah, that's me. Lol. I'm still alive though, which I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. And I think because of what happened to me, especially when I was 9 years old- the age my grandma died-, I was incapable of feeling genuinely happy. I have social anxiety for years now. And I think that the inner child in me died with my grandma.
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Your inner child is always there as part of you. It seems as though you have taken the worry and sadness you had for your grandma and put it to your mother. Asthma and high blood pressure aren't serious life threatening ailments so your mum will be alright. You might have become anxious when your grandma died and other things that you have experienced since then have contributed to making your anxiety worse. These dreams you are having about your mother suiciding seem to be anxiety induced. You should get yourself to a doctor and talk to her/him about what you said in your post and the doctor will take it from there. Best of luck.
ReplyYou just described what I feel too. I lost my father when I was a child, and I feel like my inner child died when he died. Grief is ugly, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You are in tune with your emotions trying to sort them out, and that's okay. Talk to your loved ones about your worries and anxieties. I had this too, and I had my loved ones text me when they were okay, etc. To help ease my anxiety. I wish you the best.
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