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I’ve been feeling detached from my self as if the real me is locked away or chained up in my head allowing only the monkey brain parts to be expressed. i go to school do stuff with friends laugh make jokes but i am not there i just feel the experience passing by. in part because of this i am swamped by procrastination, which has mainly impacted my coursework based gcse art, as i fortunately am natural at test based measurements in the other subjects. this procrastination, however, has led to the permanent hanging spectre of art work which has prevented me from enjoying time relaxing leading to my time after school being spent bouncing between social medias with a YouTube video on in the background, even ones I’ve already seen, just to allow my brain to stay in a passive state. im sure that eventually this will begin to affect other subjects as well, as im sure coasting off talent will not be sufficient. i feel distanced from friends and i can engage with people in short bursts with a quick joke but nothing more.time seems to be passing faster which i correlate to the longer periods of passivity my brain is in. at Friday i used to feel that i had earned the week end with the hard work of the week, but now i feel as if i don’t deserve it. I expect that even if all homework was complete with nothing to do over the weekend id still feel apprehensive of something. it feels as if there is a war in my head of the true self being suppressed by the much more dominant pleasure based short sighted side. this has also led to aomewhat of an identity crisis, as i feel defined only by loose ties of interests senes of humour etc wrapped in a bundle. it feels less as if im upset but more as if im seeing the world as it really is and maybe i don’t have a self and everyone else just acts like they do. similarly, i perceive the working world as something i could never take part in, as the stress i feel now with sympathetic teachers a comfortable school environment etc is already a burden never mind strict deadlines requirements etc and having to choose what to do . this feels like monkey brain avoiding work, or a hatred of the western world coming through. even writing this I feel checked out. everyone else seems to have it figured out which makes me wonder if i just have to suck it up or im different to other people. more concisely: can’t find or understand the self, feel constantly mentally checked out, serial procrastination, time flies in a blur, can’t consistently meaningfully engage with others, unsure about future in job market, and likely a few which can be inferred. Thank you for reading, it felt good to get some of this written down, if a little rambly.
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