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Yikes, but you know how it is. We’ve been flirting back and forth, he took me on a single date before quarantine and we’ve been chatting since, and I consider him a close friend at the least. He and I have affectionate nicknames for each other, inside jokes, and enjoyed hugging and all that when we had it. We share a lot, are planning trips together, and we’ve both said we miss each other without the other saying it first. We’ve shown up in each other dreams at this rate, and he never dreams. He’d all but outright said that he likes me, and I wasn’t too shy about it either. The other day, inside a joke, I told him that I have a bit of crush on him. He responded to the joke, but not the bit where I said I have a crush on him. I interpreted this as part of our dynamic, because we’ve joked about these things before, but always acknowledged the truth to them in the long run; that we really were flirting, that we genuinely considered the other person to be special. Someone brought it up to me that it reads to them like he’s not actually interested because he didn’t respond at all, when I was most direct about it. I felt, and feel, nauseous at the thought. I’d never felt insecure about this connection. I don’t want it to get poisoned by insecurity, but maybe there just wasn’t a connection at all. And that seems silly, with everything we’ve been through, but god, what if. I know it isn’t the end of the world if this isn’t it, but I would not mind getting swept off my feet by that man. I know that’s a lot of pressure, so I’ve kept that away from him, just let him know slowly and consistently by telling him I really enjoy his presence and by flirting with him. I genuinely think I could love him, and I know in my mind that he isn’t like that, but I feel worried now that maybe he only talks to me for my body or something. But how crazy would that be, to hang on for eight months not seeing each other and not even one kiss, not talking to anyone else romantically. Or at least, that’s what I know about his end. Maybe he has been seeing other people, it’s been almost a year. And it feels insulting to him to even consider that, but I do feel worry. I’d much rather he just likes my soul and feels nothing for my body than for it to be other way around. But I guess they call it a crush because it crushes you, and I’d be crushed either way around. There’s a million things it could be besides him playing with me or not feeling the same: he doesn’t want to move on it because we never know when we’ll see each other again, he’s nervous, he thinks I’m playing with him, maybe I interpreted it right and it’s just our dynamic. Or maybe, he just doesn’t like me like the way I like him, at all. I’ll feel kinda dumb, I’ll feel like I’ve overestimated then. I always had the problem where I underestimated how much the other person felt about me, and I’ll feel pretty stupid if this is the one time I overestimated. I’m gonna breathe and move on. I told myself I’d be okay if this ends with us just being friends, and I meant it. But it’s stinging a little, to know that maybe it never meant the same thing to him. I don’t know. The broad strokes over many months has been that we like each other, enjoy the other’s company and find each other attractive and all. But maybe that one moment was him trying to let me know he doesn’t feel it, maybe it got lost or maybe he never did. He’s always let me know that he sees me as nothing short of incredible. Ironically, with my past flames, it’s how “incredible” I am to them that led to them coming and later leaving too; that I’m so incredibly ambitious and knowledgeable to them, and they find it intimidating the the whole way through, before it feels unbearable. And they leave, feeling that maybe we’re too different because I am all those things that attracted them to me in the first place. Maybe he’s decided we’re too different. Maybe he’s just always thought of me as his incredible friend, and nothing else. The way he looked at me and the way he held me in his arms told me something else though. Other people saw it too, his friends and mine. Maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time, but I’ll be alright. He’s my friend. I feel wonderfully alive around him, I feel like I’m lifting. And that’s a gift on its own. I hope I was right the first time. I don’t want to seem needy or pressure him, though I know only he knows what he meant to do with that
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Tell him. Ask him. It will sting if you get an answer you weren't hoping for but it did already. You see signs and I know it drives you crazy because you think you might be overthinking or perceiving things wrong, wouldn't you rather know than doubt yourself? I know this is easier said than done, I understand it completely (I'm in a situation of my own in which I know that they don't like me back). In time you will move on. It's great that he recognizes your worth, take it to heart and see it for yourself, okay?
ReplyThank you for this, friend. I hope time heals you too, and eases things. I hope you also see your worth; if they don’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Take care
ReplyHi there. First, don’t feel bad, nauseous or insecure about what you said to him. I have a possible explanation for his behaviour that’s very simple: Men are usually less receptive to words, more receptive to actions.
The covid mess hit you at the worst time, right at the beginning of your ‘courtship ritual’ which is a big thing in all relationships. You maintained contact through messages & words, but as a male myself, I can say that the interruption in physical, visual & tactile contact cannot be compensated with words. No matter how well you word it, it won’t sink in because there is no physical action to complete the ritual. Does that make any sense lol?
I’m in a similar situation, so similar that I half wondered if you were talking about me haha. In my case we had 1 date before lockdown and it was very promising, but we haven’t seen each other since. Her feelings have blossomed with our emails, but me, I’m feeling colder and more disconnected every day. I said it’s a male/female thing but the truth is it’s probably just a personality thing. Some people have trouble connecting emotions to words, they need sights, sounds, smells, touch, the whole works. So don’t write him off just yet, and definitely don’t blame yourself for any failing in this scenario. The isolation we’re all feeling is something new & unpredictable. Try to ride it out and start over once this thing is over and we can actually MEET other humans again, not just type. I think you might be pleasantly surprised 🙂
ReplyHaha, I hope it works out for you too!! I’ll try again, whenever that is, but I’ll let it cool for now. Ball’s in his court anyways and all that. It really is unpredictable. Guess I just got a little freaked out overall
Reply