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When I was a really young child, most of my memories was me playing alone in my room. I played games from the wildest parts of my imagination! I made mountains out of books, I made towns out of blocks and small plastic animal toys. I used my stuffed animals and had tea parties with them. Normal kid stuff! Although, even though me and my older sisters were only three years apart, and were unusually close for siblings, they often left me out, and my dad worked and my mom was busy taking care of us.
When my siblings started playing with me I always remember usually playing games with our "The Lion King" and "My Little Pony" toys. We had a royal family story for the Lions, and made a Lion King pony parody! It was fun. My childhood was probably the happiest part of my life.
Then we grew up. We moved. In my old town, I had a lot more homework, but the kids were nice and the classes were always nice to eachother. We also actually acted like 7 year olds, so my old school life was very pleasant. In my new town, I had less homework, but I felt so alone. The kids acted like normal kids stuff was for babies. I had a few friends, but in second and third grade I was the nice, shy girl. And for all of Elementary school, it was like that. I had a few close friends, stayed on good terms with my classmates, always did my work and never got into trouble. But I noticed the difference. Everyone was so immature, yet they acted like liking mature things was normal for that age. It was from their talk that I learned a lot that a 7-10 year old shouldn't learn. (S3x, periods, etc.)
In fourth grade, I remember this one girl in my class who was a good friend. While working on a school project with her (We were making a Pac-Man game with magnets, it was pretty cool!) she told me she was bi, I didn't understand. She was my first exposure to LGBT and I was confused. But I still supported her. I later learned that this was called "coming out." Then in the summer I realized that I may have had a crush on her. But I pushed it away. Those feelings, they were so new.
Then in fifth grade I learned a lot more about LGBTQ, mostly thanks to a YouTube channel. So I thought I was bi, too. The last guy crush I had was quick, and I also had another girl crush that year. She was in the advanced class for "advanced" kids with me. She was quiet, and I liked to talk to people I was close to. She was also kinda popular. One of those kids that was nice but also too mature. It was strange, but we got along.
Then came Middle School. I started to hate myself. I hated my hairy body, I hated my ugly face, I hated my terrible proportions and everything about myself. I tried not to, but I truly hated my looks. I was also questioning my sexuality so sixth grade was HELL. Bi? Ace? Gay? ARGH! (I later learned I was demi lesbian so yay got that over with).
2020 made it worse. It ruined my childhood. Stripped away all hope and made me wake up. I was no longer blind. I realized my dad was not the best, even though he tried. He would be really strict one second, and loving the next. I still switch between hating him and loving him because of this, a feeling that no child should go through. I changed my morals, and finally saw reality. And it scared me. I'm only 12, why should I understand the news? How did I go from innocent 7 year old to me right now who hates myself and understands the dirty jokes my classmates tell? How did I get to this point?
If you think you know me in real life. Forget I wrote this and don't bring it up. My biggest fear is that some information on me will be turned against me, making me a laughing stock of the school. Thank God I found this website, or else I'd be lost with my thoughts.
Thank you, for reading this post. I hope someone else who feels my pain will relate, and that we can support others going through things, similar or really different.
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Okay I lied about the "stuff 7-10 year olds shouldn't learn part. When I was 10 I got a health class so I knew about periods, but I still knew what s3x was at 8 and that's what I mean was strange.
ReplyAh well it’s ok don’t try to stress too much obviously exposure to sexual stuff at a young age is in fact traumatising, give yourself time to heal from that. I guess coming to terms with reality is tough and it’s good you can see things now. You’re only 12 so don’t feel pressured into sexual things. If something makes you uncomfortable there’s probably a good reason behind that and you being exposed to sex in that sort of way was probably horrible and sort of understanding relationships healthily is important for you. You know whoever treats you badly or has in the past isnt right about you. And loving yourself isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen in a day. You’re not a failure, you’re not ugly. You’re human and you’re young and you can do this.
ReplyOh, I think you're confused. I knew what it was because of my classmates and the internet talking about it, not trauma.
ReplyF normal you’re amazingly beautiful
ReplyRead the Steve jobs quote on imagination
Reply