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I feel like there’s so much to be, and I want to be that, but also I want no part of it. I’m so scared of the reality of things; that I can have a bad boss until I die, that I might not ever have health care, that I might die homeless because I have always been closer to that than anything else. I do dream of doing things, but I don’t dream of doing jobs that feel so soulless and I don’t dream of the life I know is likely in front of me: realistically I’ll probably be at one of those desk jobs I’ve always known would never satisfy me if I want to pay for basic rights like water and housing, and even then I may not get them. We came up so poor, and I never want to feel that helpless again. But right now, I’m a student starting their second year of college. And I don’t know what to do from here, I never thought I’d get this far, I thought I’d be dead by now. And some of me is still dreaming. I dream of writing songs, of writing books, making visual art, engineering roller coasters, changing laws for the better, helping the environment, putting my all into humanitarian efforts, being a botanist, inventing and developing new things to make things easier for people. I want to do so much. What I really want is to add something to this world and help others, but I can’t figure out how, or in what order. I’m so scared of failing. I really love visual art and music but I know it doesn’t pay unless you’re really good and I don’t think I’m skilled enough, and at the end of the day I don’t think I’d like the idea of dealing with costumers. It sounds like a good and quick way to get burnt out about art for me, and I know I’m one to seek stability which art couldn’t provide. I don’t think healthcare is a good choice for similar reasons, and I love science too much to give it up even if I’m a bit of a mediocre student, so I’ve gone with engineering. But I don’t love this with the ferocity that I love to write or create art, and that terrifies me. I look at my mom and think of how disappointed she must be of me, that I don’t really know what I want to be. She tells me she’s proud, that I’ve done so much by getting that scholarship and getting into a really good school, but I feel like that isn’t the truth. She says I look so sad nowadays, and she’s right and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I think it’s okay if she resents me. In a selfish way, it would crush me to hear her say that she regrets me. She’s done so much for me to be able to dream, and I feel like I’m wasting all she’s done every minute I don’t Know what to do with myself. And in truth, I’m the one who is disappointed in me. I’m disappointed and disgusted that I don’t know, because I feel like I should. I love reading so much, I’ve read so much about all kinds of jobs and interests but I can’t focus on one. When I was little I really liked A Series of Unfortunate Events, and I know it’s silly, but I loved it because all those kids had one thing they were Really good at and loved, and I wanted that for myself. My parents are like that, and my aunts and uncles, and they’re all successful in their own ways, but I feel like I’ll never be like that because I’ve never been like that. I wish I had some kind of focus in life, but instead I’m scatter brained and love everything so hard and so much. I feel deeply inadequate, and while I know I can do things if I just set my mind to it, I’m so scared of not doing anything noteworthy or helpful because I can’t seem to Just Choose. And sometimes other people have an admiration because I know so much, and I consciously understand that it’s A Lot, but I really deeply wish I just Had My Thing. I feel like I don’t have a real identity in a way, and that hurts. I feel like I’m tricking people somehow, when they like me. And what a whiny thing to say, “I wish I wasnt good at a lot of things”. But I really can’t figure out how to be happy. And I told my little brother recently that it’s better to have concrete goals because then you feel like you accomplish things and it gets rid of the feeling of helplessness. And I feel like that’s what’s happening with me right now; I want to do everything, and that’s too much so I feel helpless. I want to be free most of all I think, I wish I could go about and invent and develop things freely, and create art, and travel. I wish I didn’t grow up poor and feel so bad every time I spend more than five dollars and feel like I have to chase money because I know what life is like without it. I used to willingly starve myself so my family could eat more, but I never told them that, and I had unmedicated clinical depression from 8-16 but now it’s milder. I want to live in the feeling of sitting in the sun on the grass with people who love me. Part of me wishes I could go to school forever, just to learn new things, but that’s not a career in any way. I feel pathetic. And I’m sure there’s other people who struggle similarly, but it doesn’t really make it hurt less. I wake up everyday and feel extreme imposter syndrome, torture myself by trying to force decisions I don’t really believe in, and then go to bed. I know I have worth and it’s honestly kind of a miracle that I’m still here, but I wish I felt surer about things. I’d feel more secure if I could trust myself to take care. I feel out of control, because I know that even if I do everything “right”, I could still end up incredibly poor and at a job I don’t care about, and I may as well have died then. I think of the memory of people in my life who believe in me, and I feel terrible, because in a lot of ways I don’t, not really. I know I can do these things, I know I’m incredibly capable and just need to make a plan somehow. But I will be incredibly pleasantly surprised if I ever find happiness and success.
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You say you want to invent things to make it easier for people. People have it so easy now it is amazing. All they mostly do is stare at their phones which is a very easy thing to do. When their washing machines break they carry on as though washing by hand will kill them. There are vacuum cleaners for the floors, polishers for the floors, and dish washing machines as if washing the dishes by hand will kill them. Compared to how people lived 100 years ago they have it very easy.
ReplyYeah it’s wild how much things have improved in that regard. But like it seems like there’s a lot of research left to do on agriculture to make it more environmentally friendly and I think I could do research to make that easier for us all. I’ve been looking into tech and physiology to invent things for colorblind people, and the elderly. I feel like a lot of the things I want to fix are kinda minor, but maybe it could save us all some time so we could go home and spend time with our families
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