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Oh to love and feel loved, that’s something I crave, that I’ve always craved since I was little. To live a life away from this continuous sadness I was forced to live my whole life. How loveless my life has always been, I cannot begin to describe. I was thought not to love, I was thought not to let anyone enter my life, I saw and lived anger, disdain, hate, grumpiness, loneliness. That’s the example I’ve had. The warmth you feel next to someone that loves just the fact that you exist on this world, that’s what I want to feel. I’ve never loved anyone. I thought I did, looking back, I never loved. I love people with the awareness that our time is limited. I don’t let anyone cross the wall I built in order to feel ready from the beginning for the loss of someone. The only time I’ve experienced something even near love ( I may call this the first teenage serious experience), trying to find myself again after they left, it was like trying to recover from the death of a loved one. Could mostly be related to the fact that I was manipulated and lied to the whole time, so basically I “loved” someone that literally did not exist. As I lay in my childhood bed, after days, months of daydreaming because it’s easier for me to escape rather than realize how lonely, sad, helpless, hopeless I am, I decided to try and rationalize all my feelings. I was always sure I was going to live a big life, something completely different than my current life. 10 years have passed, and I lay in the exact same bed, alone, still daydreaming while my life is exactly the same. The difference is that I’m so sad now I don’t know how to go on, that I lost almost every friend, family member I was close with. I’ll never be happy, I’ll never feel loved, because even if someone would ever love me, I wouldn’t accept it. I hide my tears, I smile and say everything’s okay while I put my hands on my face and feel all the weight of my intrusive thoughts on my shoulders, they feel like the weight of the whole world. I’m the only one that can try to love myself, that can try and live with my always changing thoughts, my mood swings, my random hours of ugly crying, my random obsessions, my social anxiety, my need to talk a lot because I can’t stand the sound of the silence, because that’s all I hear all day everyday, my issues with my body, my image, with past traumas that I don’t know when of if they’ll come out, how I feel overwhelmed by just breathing some days. Maybe I can’t even ask to be loved, maybe all these words I’ve written are just a stupid whiny rant, but my heart feel so heavy right now and I feel like it’s dragging me deep deep down to the ground. Would be nice to feel like walking on the clouds, even just for a minute.
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