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I'm 19 years old, and recently broke up from a relationship of over 3 years. I grew up with this lover she is 20 almost 21 in a few months and I idolized her. She is the definition of independence and strong, dedicated person. But recently we had been arguing. She would be inpatient at times, easily annoyed not just by me but by others whom she loved and frustrated, irritated. I would approach the situation by apologizing even when it wasn't my fault. She eventually got tired of it, she would hurt people she loved and was loved by without valid reasons and she wouldn't be rude or mean to strangers. We broke up on our 3 year anniversary week and got back together, everything was fine I felt like I learn a piece of myself a bit more but then recently about a month later unexpectedly we approached the issue again and didn't deal with it correctly which caused our break up few days ago. She wants to be alone, she wants to find who she is again and why she's short tempered especially at the people she most love. Then there's me.. I'm lost. I grew up looking up to her depended on her to support me mentally which is not bad but both being in college got difficult. She has her own busy schedule and I have my hectic schedule. I'm not selfish of what I desire. I can be mature at times but I feel as her maturity is way ahead of mine. I want to find myself, I don't remember who I was before I met her I was a high schooler. I didn't know I'd be standing here thinking what I want from life. My lover is a genius at school as for me I struggle so much. I'm scared for this semester I'm scared I'll flunk out my first year. I'm scared of public speaking which made me skip so many classes many days and I lack in discipline. I don't know where I'm going the world is moving everyone seems to be running farther away from me. I'm scared. Scared to dependent on myself when I don't even know who I am and how I can help myself. I'm scared at life when I should be learning from it. I hate holding grudges, hate being mean, I love helping, I love caring, I love giving more than what I could give. But yet I'm hopeless at times. Please help me. I want to be proud of myself I'm disappointed in me, that's all I know of myself.
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