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I'm an anxious fuck.
Last night I was told I would have to ride the city bus on my own to go to school. It's only one day but my older brother is always with me on the bus since we go to the same school. This year has had me really anxious. It's my first year at this new school, where I don't know anyone. I have to ride the bus to and from school and the bus is just anxiety fuel. With covid stuff happening, I am even more anxious. The only good thing about this year is online school, which unlike literally everyone else, I enjoy.
So the problem is, I have to ride the bus on my own. I take 2 buses to school, 2 back. That's a lot and I already hate that I get home almost 2 hours after school ends just to do my homework, it's exhausting. Riding the bus wouldn't be a problem if my brother would go with me.
He is choosing not to. We have finals this next week and the week after (complications cos of covid). The day I have to go alone is Tuesday (the 22nd). My brother is supposed to go that day too but he talked to the teacher he has a final for that day and is instead going on Monday. He has no reason to go on Monday rather than Tuesday besides just to fuck with me. He told my mom and I last night. My mom is doing nothing about it.
The worst part is they laughed at me. My brothers, my mom even, laughed at me for not wanting to go on the bus alone. My brother's reason for laughing? "I had to go on the bus alone before you went to [our school], so you can do it too." He doesn't even have anxiety. He doesn't know anything.
I can't do it. I can't go on the bus alone. It's too scary and I don't want to. I refuse to even think of it as an option. My brother is just doing this out of spite. I hate him and I'll never forgive him. I guess I'll just have to fail my final for that day because I can't do it. I can't
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I really feel this - I’m older now, but always had super bad anxiety and used to have to take the bus to/from school alone. Later, having to take the train alone was part of the reason I dropped out of education (but I realise that’s not helpful, lol).
In this situation, resenting your brother isn’t going to help. You’re right, your family doesn’t understand, and they’re never going to if they don’t make the decision to learn. They don’t see it as a big deal, and if you fail your final they’ll think it’s because you’re being stubborn, not because you need help. Sorry. It sucks, but you have to be your own best friend.
I know you don’t see taking the bus as an option, but it’s gonna be unavoidable one day, even if you can arrange something different for now.
Is it possible for you to walk part of the way, while listening to music? You could also wrote down exactly where you’re going, what you need to say, how much it’ll cost etc. If your anxiety makes it too difficult to speak, you can give that piece of paper to the bus driver - they’ll probably just assume you’re deaf. Also text your friends/look at memes or something and have something to physically mess with, so you can keep busy. I also found that wearing a studded bracelet helped - it felt like having a secret weapon.
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