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I am 29 years old. Still living with my parents. I am single. I have no friends. I work for myself as a painter decorator. Am I a loser?
I have had a difficult upbringing. My family were super supportive and looked after me. But from birth I've always had learning difficulties. I had to move to a specialist school as a child, attended therapy frequently, speech therapy and needed support for my classes.
My social skills were non-existent. I enjoyed playing alone and disappeared in my own head. Throughout high school not a whole lot changed. IN fact my anxiety was worse. If i struggled on a test, or didn't understand the task, I'd literally break down into tears. It was so humiliating. I eventually developed somewhat friends in my last 2 years of school but after graduating everyone just disappeared living their own lives and I was alone.
I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life. My dad got me into an apprenticeship for painting but my experience consisted mainly of working in the company warehouse or being manual labour on the field. I spent those 4 years with virtually no social life, depressed, hating myself and just felt so lost.
When I completed it I made the move to go to university to study psychology and history. I didn't make it into honours for psychology so i pursued teaching. I graduated with a 2:2 in history. I attempted teaching but my math grade from school wasn't adequate enough for the teaching course. So i went to night school and got my grade (I needed one more course to qualify for teaching). I didn't do that because I went to training for a therapy course. It was a night course, I had to pay for it and it required work placement. I did that for over a year but got so burnt out from it I decided to take a break and work on saving money.
I struggled to find work. One company sacked me as a painter and all I could do afterwards was agency work. It kept me going but it wasn't full time or secure.
One day I decided to build my own website and advertised myself as a painter decorator. My first year I was working between myself and agency work. The next year I was self-employed full time. I felt so good at building my own business and being able to build a good reputation for myself.
But I'm scared at the reality of how much I actually make from it and if it is enough to support myself living in my own home. I am scared to compare my income with anyone else in case i learnt he harsh reality that I am earning very little.
My friends have very much moved on with their lives now. I am very much alone and still living with my parents. The only upside is that it is a big house (7 bedrooms) so i do have my own privacy. But it's still not a good look.
I think the crushing blow over my lifestyle was a break up I experienced a few months ago. We met through a hiking group and during lockdown we became hiking buddies. One day she made the move on me and it was just the best. She was 36, and expressed that the age gap made her hesitant, but we reassured each other it didnt matter. She lived in her own house, was a radiation scientist and working towards her phd. She was adventurous, knew how to look after herself and was like no other girl i Had ever been with.
One day i went to her place, and she dumped me with no warning. She felt that we were in different places in our lives and that it was important for me to live alone. I was absolutely crushed. I had lost someone who had made me feel excited to be in a relationship after being happily single for 2 years, I felt humiliated at who I was as a man and I felt like my lifestyle had cost me the single greatest thing that could have happened to me.
It was a dark reflection on my life and how I had lived up to this point. I gave up on pursuing a career, I had not pushed myself to be better that what I was, I have no support group and I still feel like a boy despite turning 30 next year.
Am I a loser? Have I lived an embarrassing life? Will there be no one for me because my life is so inadequate for anyones standards?
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I don't want to be presumptuous here, but you are not a 'loser'. The way you write and express yourself - I think you are that introverted, caring, intelligent, BUT an insecure kind of person. I guess, you don't see this as news. When someone lives with oneself for as long as they have, they believe they know themselves completely. They think know who they are at heart and at mind, and they seem to know if they can improve themselves or not. But I don't think that's true. Every day, you change a bit. It's miniscule. But, it's there. And it's so hard and annoying to notice that change, because we think we are always gonna remain that same mess we used to be. You are turning 30. So what? So what if you didn't get a financially stable job during those years? You have still got a long life to live, and you still have so many opportunities which you haven't discovered yet. So what if this woman, who was your first love, (mind you; not your last one), didn't stick by? It sucks, and she made you realize about the state of your life. She made you explore yourself, and then just left. A person who is right for you, wouldn't do that. They would help you explore AND walk with you. You deserve more, and you will get more, but only, oh only, when you believe you get to get more. Because when you believe it to happen, you work to make it happen.
And what do you mean, by have I lived an embarrassing life? You are only 30. You have probably got like 65-70 more long years to make your life! And, hey..when it comes to the right person, nothing's inadequate. You will meet her someday. I don't know when. But don't stop the movement of your life, because of another person. She was older than you, and she had experienced more. So of course, she wanted you to give her even more. It was never your fault.
We all have problems, which differ in magnitude, but we all got them. It doesn't matter how much time you spent living inside of them. All it matters is what you do to accept those problems and start better. So, are you willing to help yourself?
You have got what it takes to finally help yourself. Everyone does. So even though, it isn't a bright shiny path, will you take it for your own self?
ReplyLISTEN TO ME. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER
Replyyour not a loser!
ReplyI'm in no way a professional on anything, but here's my first opinion after reading your post:
You are in no way a loser! I turned 25 this year and still live with my parents and I still feel like a 17 year old girl sometimes. I'm the youngest of four kids and the least successful, so sometimes I catch myself trying to live up to other's expectations, but fuck it. I am who I am. I've never really been in a relationship before, probably because I'm not a very social person, or idk, it just never happened.
Everyone lives life at a different pace, everyone has their own struggles. Don't look down on yourself just because of other people's standards. You'll find someone someday who won't give a fuck about "being in different places in life" but will instead be there for you and help you to better yourself if that's what you wanna do.
ReplyIn objectively evaluating this I can conclude there are so many things outside of your control that can negatively impact your career or life path; I know since I have 25 years of experience and thanks to the pandemic I have been unemployed for almost 1 year. We cannot condemn you as a "loser" for things outside of your control that have negatively impacted your career or life path. Keep climbing - you'll get there. There are plenty of people who are late bloomers.
Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Reply