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Emotions change so quickly. Remember, remember two minutes ago. Stability is difficult, don't beat yourself up about it.
Band- I loved the song. I love playing that song. I am so happy. I am so HAPPY! It fills me with joy. Joy brings peace, and I have peace. I couldn't wait to see him. That's changed too. I remember dreading mornings. I remember yesterday. I don't doubt I will still cringe away. But I'm more comfortable. The doubt is being replaced by comfort. I am happy to be seen as his girl. I am HAPPY to be seen as his girl. When did this change? It's been gradual. I appreciate gradual. Sometimes I wish for a quicker pace, I wish the future would get here sooner. But slow allows time for comfort. Happy. It's an odd word. I'm still not sure how I define it. I still don't know what it means for me. But.... I don't have to. Does it really matter right now if I am completely aware of myself? I don't... need to be. I am aware that I was happy, just then. I know that I am calmer, right now. Isn't that enough? That is good. This is good.
Snow Day- We have the next two days off from school. There's supposed to be 15 inches of snow, but we'll see how much we'll actually get. I'm excited! Snow days are fun. Snow is fun. I didn't think we'd actually get a day off, but the weather's calling for a storm. Tomorrow is a complete break. Nothing but sleep, home, and snow. Thursday is a "half-instruction" kind of day, the teachers will be sending us half-an-hour of work each, to be done at home. Home. And snow. I appreciate the snow. Maybe... we can hang out? Do I want to? Usually I wouldn't. Usually I want to take the opportunity of solitude, every moment I can get. Being with people is exhausting. Being with him is even more exhausting, because he tries more than I do. But I want to spend tomorrow with him. Why is that? Why am I choosing effort over comfort? I am comfortable alone. I was always comfortable alone. But today I am HAPPY WITH HIM. Happy. I still haven't defined the word. But I feel brighter. That counts, surely.
Satellite- It's a song. "Satellite" by Guster. I found it a few days ago, in a movie. One of the movies of my current hyperfixation. I loved the movie, it was "Martian Child" and it also played "Mr. Blue Sky" by ELO, my all-time favorite song. So I listen to this song, and now I listen to it a lot. I've started playing it when I go to sleep. I just put it on twice. It's a comfort I was surprised at. It takes time to fall asleep, shifting in bed, but the thoughts in my head are smoothed over by the tune. I play the song at school. I play the song at home. I've played it a lot over the past two weeks. Satellite is on repeat as I write this. I painted a planet on my bedroom wall today, and I plan to paint more. "Hanging on a wall of stars." I have a secret. I want my first kiss to be to this song. I know that only happens in movies, in real life first kisses are never romantic, first kisses are awkward and weird. Maybe sweet, but always awkward. First kisses with songs under starry skies only happen in movies. But it's my secret.
Felix- That's not his name. I wouldn't use his name here. It's a name we mentioned playing board games. It's the name of a tree. It's not his name, but he deserves a name in this post. He deserves a name because for the first time I am feeling comfortable with him. I am feeling comfortable with the idea of another person knowing me. A real person. This assortment of thoughts and ideas weren't supposed to be about him. This is about me. I write about me, I don't know how to do anything else. But they're all about him. I always cringe away from that, everything is either too real or too fake, reality is hard to focus in my head. If I were looking up to a sky filled with stars, I am constantly adjusting the telescope to bring the universe into focus. How do I know what's real and what's just a smudge on the lens? I don't know how this thing works, the buttons and dials are all foreign to me. The stars and constellations mean nothing to me, I don't have the knowledge to understand what I'm looking at. All the same, I'll keep adjusting the focus. Maybe soon the edges will become less blurred.
At the moment, I think I am happy. The word still confuses me, my brain is cluttered, but one emotion I am feeling is happiness. That's enough.
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