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You know, it's not easy when the heart and soul divide. That's what life has been like to me, for my entire existence. Sad story, boo hoo, cry me a river. Daddy never loved me. Wah. Right?
But you know something? I know what's in the past can't be fixed or changed. Nothing is going to alter it in anyway. So the only thing I've got left is to figure this out and it's taken decades for me to finally reach that point.
Self discipline, personal responsibility, decent boundaries, wisdom. They all play a part in it. Emotions do not.
It's nice to feel emotions when they feel good. But not so much when it's something bad and bad can get really bad. I've been to literal hell and back inside my head. Danced with the devil and dined with demons of the mind. Stared into the abyss and it does stare back.
There's a cosmic horror in your head, believe me or don't. A massive red eye, staring from the blanket of darkness. Oh it's there and it will eat your soul if you let it.
Going back to trying to be functional, it almost feels unnatural, fake, fraudulent, alien. But that's just because the darkness is so comfortable.
I lie to myself, we lie to ourselves. We all say we don't act because we lack the motivation but that's the furthest thing from the truth. We just wanna feel good about doing it, that's all, and with mental illness it's hard to enjoy anything at all.
But you see, if I do this, if you do this, if we do this. If we stop making excuses for ourselves, things eventually will get better. Then, one day, we will look back and remember how it felt to be so desperate for that motivation to come, when so many moons later, we do these things on autopilot. No need for motivation, no need for inspiration, we just do.
That's what it comes down to. I know, because I've been there. I've been suicidal, I've been severely depressed, I've been anxious, I've been stuck in trauma, I've done it all several times.
It's always the same excuses, every day and every single day that passes is yet another opportunity wasted. Until it isn't. We are hopeless until we aren't. Make what you will of my words, I don't personally care. If my perception offends you then maybe it's time to look in the mirror.
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Well said.💜
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