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That's the argument that my new therapist made. I was young, had a horrible upbringing, was never shown a better way, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!
That's not an excuse! I wanted to be better than my father, better than my mother, better than my abuser.
Instead, I ended up following right in their footsteps. That's reality. I set out to break the cycle and perpetuated it instead. BPD or not.
I can't let go of it all, it lives inside my head. At least my father KNEW his kids! I don't! 2 boys!! One I haven't seen since he was 3! That was 14 years ago! The other I haven't seen since he was born! That was almost 6 years ago!
Was it my choice? No! I wanted so desperately to be a good father. I was a good father for the 3 years I had with my first son. To this day, I'll still say that they are both my most proud creations, I'll never stop being proud of either of them. Even now, they both still hold huge parts inside me. But they don't know that! As near as they know, daddy just kinda buggered off!!
My father may have been emotionally absent, neglectful and down right dangerous. But at least he was ACTUALLY physically there.
You think I wouldn't give anything! ANYTHING at ALL! To have been able to be part of both my children's lives? But let's face facts. If I had been there, I'd have FUCKED them up. Just like I fucked my own life up.
That's reality.
So when someone comes and says I didn't know any better, that I tried to be different... you might as well just laugh in my FUCKING face! Because that's what it feels like, a big FUCKING joke! I am the world's biggest joke.
That's just not gonna cut it. I have way to much evidence to the contrary for my mind to accept that delusional way of thinking. Saying "you didn't know better" is just as good as saying "they were only doing what they were told" in regards to the Nazis. It's not good enough, it's nowhere NEAR good enough.
I failed in the most important aspects of my life and nothing is ever going to change that. Unless someone has a time machine I can borrow so I can go back and actually be there for both my kids.
But that's not the most pathetic part of it, no. The most pathetic part is the fact that I still desire to find some romantic partner who will bear to stand me to the day I leave this God forsaken plane of existence. That's the biggest joke of all! How in hell is anyone ever supposed to love something like me?! It's not bad enough that I screwed my own life up? It's not bad enough that i probably screwed both my children's lives up without even trying!? It's not bad enough that I've hurt people?! Been a toxic piece of shit?!
Oh but now that I'm trying to fix myself, that makes everything ok because i didn't know any better Bullshit!!
Gtfo of here with that shit! The fuck you mean huh? I'm a god damn monster, I'm filth, I'm less than human and anyone who actually gets to know the darker side of me will testify to that. Pfft! Didn't know any better.
As if that reminds the years and erases all the damage that I've done.
I deserve this. I deserve so much worse than this. I deserve to die. That's reality.
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