Thoughts

This has been a disappointing Christmas. Dad horribly depressed. Mom edgy. I've had better Christmases I know that. The last 4 years plus they totally sucked. Though I'm still grateful for what good things I have. It's just been stale joyless family fighting combative no gifts from family... only one from a friend Idk I mean compared to many others they were 1000% better. Idk is this what getting older is? I'm still young it shouldn't be like this. My whole family and acquaintances there's not been much kindness or love. One lady on s media this morning said screw Christmas blah blah blah. Ok clearly she wasn't grateful of what she had. I am. But it's just bland joyless lack of love in my immediate family that drains you...then the rest on top of it i mean why? Why's it gotta be like this? It's like joy is declining every year. Family is either snobs or don't talk or just plain cold cruel and mean like my aunt and dad. Idk it's just not supposed to be joyless you know. The norm once was waking up to gifts ...then a big dinner desserts etc. We had none of that...just a regular supper. Not much talking through out the day. I just stay isolated in my room because ofm y dads misery and inability to get along. Life couldn't have been meant for it to be like this for me. The little things I'm grateful for but still it's not the same . Loveless joyless just for what little I was able to have my own self. Probably one of the worst Christmas for me. Yes I know some people don't have members now because of covid grieving. That's horrible for anybody. No I've not had that but lack of love makes it feel near as empty.

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