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So here we are, time to try to keep building. I find that I know everything that is wrong with me and in some ways it helps, but in others it really hurts.
I know that I lack the willpower to do the things I know I need to do. So I turn to youtube for advice and guidance. A familiar youtuber pops up and I'm back in time, 3, almost 4, years ago.
But I'm not going to just look at one perspective. This time I want ALL the information. I often find it annoying that things can't be simple, black and white. With hard set boundaries and rules and meanings and methods.
I still crave the absolutes of it all. Despite my nature to see many different perspectives. I fall into a group of people who are known to watch a 15 minute clip and come out talking about it like they've studied the subject themselves, for hours they'll talk. That's me.
It may seem scatter brained but I promise, it all connects back together in the end.
So I know that right now, my objective is to start taking more action. I've dabbled in it a bit but I'm honestly terrified still. Even of the most basic things.
It's easy for my mind to project into the future and catastrophize everything so I have to be extra careful. It'll still jump but I'm beginning to learn the cycle more intimately. It usually lasts for about a half an hour and because it's me, it goes to the extremes.
It feels so hopeless, I'll never succeed, I should just kill myself and get it over with, the world would be better off without me etc. I've got a very mean, very cruel, very cold inner voice.
It's hard not to listen because that voice gets so loud and demands attention. But I've begun trying to listen to the thoughts that get overshadowed by it. It's difficult but in some ways it helps.
Yet, this process exhausts a ton of my willpower. I feel like I'm spending every ounce of energy just to not kill myself by the day's end. Every single day. There's gotta be something more than this.
I still keep in mind that I don't want to die like this. It kind of helps build some motivation but it's getting weaker and weaker as the weeks go by. Often times I'm left feeling like I don't have a choice in the matter and that just gives way to the flood of suicidal thoughts and the emptiness that plagues me regularly.
I've done so much research, I've dived as deep as I possibly could in my own mind, I've put the puzzle pieces in order but I still can't convince myself to put the puzzle together.
Willpower, action, courage. Things I lack but am still seeking. I know I'm taking some form of action in the fact that I've done all this research, I've done all this work inside my head but getting that into the outside world is hard.
Different pieces of advice suggest doing the most difficult task right at the beginning of the day, but everything is a difficult task for me. So I'm left wondering where to start.
Some pieces of advice suggest a trade off. One negative action (ie gaming, binge watching, addictions, porn, anything that stagnates willpower) and replacing it with a positive action (meditation, exercise, even something as simple as being aware of your breathing) and I can say ok to that.
So just one thing in, one thing out to start building the willpower to actually make the physical changes that I need to. I've done so much work inside my head even though that negative narrator is still there.
So what am I going to trade off?
I'm thinking I'm going to start with the best willpower building exercise out there, meditation. I know it works, I've done it before and if you want to get into semantics then technically I do it every day anyways. I know how easy it is to meditate on the negatives. That's what you literally do when you find yourself listening to those thoughts of depression, anxiety, suicide, addiction etc. You're literally meditating on those thoughts and emotions. I know this, yet it's still so hard.
So what am I willing to give up that's currently draining my willpower? I've got so many bad vices that it can be difficult to say and I know that some of my vices, I'm ready to quit yet. Like smoking. I absolutely should stop smoking, but I'm just not ready to make that jump right now.
Should I attempt it anyways? Knowing I'll fall flat?
Or I can give up binge watching YouTube videos. I spend hours on YouTube every day. Watching garbage that has no real value. Sure, I've got some informative videos that I watch but for the vast majority, it's just garbage about politics or video games or cartoons or memes. (I do love me some memes).
So which is going to be more difficult? Which is sapping the most willpower? I'm pretty sure I can stop binge watching, I'm not so sure I can quit smoking. But it's just one or the other, not both.
One in, one out.
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What is the use of giving up smoking when you know you will fall flat. You must have the will power and strong determination to give up smoking. And it is very bad for your health.
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